The world is playing together
a SUIT column by Chris Jungle

Due to my employer's annual summer layoffs, I've been watching entirely too much World Cup action. I wholeheartedly accuse Jon Worley's random soccer inserts into his columns for my behavior, so feel free to blame him for the following rant.

I'm finding myself using soccer jargon to describe my existence, although people look at me funny when I say (with a fake Irish dialect) how I sent a wicked cross through the box. What's even stranger is that I enjoy rooting for countries that aren't my own. I've been to a couple border towns in Mexico and drank so much that the towns turned into dream lands. Other than that, I've been reared, geared, and feared in the United States of America.

Now, as I sit in front of the television, many of the nations on Earth are playing in a soccer tournament, and most of the countries who aren't in the World Cup tried and failed in qualifying rounds. To put it bluntly, the world is watching soccer.

I like that. Somebody should look into more of these events. The world needs matches like Argentina vs. England, United States vs. Iran, and France vs. Everybody. Ninety minute wars in which two countries, represented by the best they have to offer, try to put the most balls in a net. It has the passion and drive of a full scale land war without all of the casualties.

Countries who could never defeat the major powers of the world suddenly have a much more equal playing ground. Nigeria is in political upheaval, but the soccer team can still beat everyone else. Paraguay is a lost country in the middle of South America, but because of athletic competition, they are known for having one of the toughest defenses. The little guys from Mexico can tear it up just as well as the massive beasts from Bulgaria.

Meanwhile, soccer has not caught on in the United States for a few reasons. First, soccer only has one time stoppage at half-time, and that means no commercials. No commercials! Advertisers frantically run away along with football fans waiting for the new Bud Light thirty second spot. Second, there's not a lot of scoring. Not a lot of scoring! Our short attention span society flees to the mall screaming so they can spend all of their time and money buying clothes they themselves will deem out of style in a few months--all in hopes of maybe, maybe, maybe finding someone to score with. Last, soccer is about skill not size. Skill not size! Americans want things big! Big movies, big breasts, big explosions, big bands, big cars, big dicks, big lines, big bucks, big hats, big attitudes and big problems.

The best part about the World Cup is that it shows everybody can get along and play the same game with each other. This isn't the Olympics where a few individuals strive in their selected sports. It's a game almost anyone can play. We can all kick a ball around, can't we? I much prefer watching two nations try to score goals on each other rather than test nuclear weapons. There's no arms race in soccer. You're not allowed to use them. Maybe India and Pakistan just play need to play ball with each other. And Palestinians and Israelis, and Ethiopia and Eritrea, and China and Hong Kong. And on and on, and through, and back again.

Even if the United States and Mexico go down quick, I get to have the pleasure of rooting for a country I've never set foot on (and may never want to). I could root for certain countries or continents. I can hear the cheerleaders now. Africa! America! Asia! Europe! Be the one that doesn't burn up! I know it doesn't make any sense, but when I think of athletic girls in short skirts, it never really matters what they're cheering.

We need more international sports. Sports the poorest boys and girls in the poorest country can still play, get some exercise and enjoyment out of life, and dream the unrealistic dream of being the best in the world at something. Soccer is one of those sports. I'm not saying the World Cup will wash away the political, economical, and emotional difficulties the countries of the world go through, but if we're playing soccer with each other, at least we're not fighting.

Chris Jungle has been red carded for refusing to write about mainstream news topics for the last couple weeks.

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