Protests--American style
a SUIT column by Chris Jungle

I missed the 1960's. Nothing I can do about it. My parents didn't have a conception plan for me until Nixon had been re-elected. I haven't had to fight for my right not to fight in a war, take part in a sit-in about civil liberties, or bomb any ROTC buildings. For me, there's just not enough reason to do so. Protests still exist, though. I just haven't had enough gumption to get involved.

While biking around last week, I got a flyer to be a part of Critical Mass so I could remind car drivers that bikers are cooler. Bikers are cooler, but I think I'd rather just bike by myself. I knew some of the people who held sit-ins at the University of New Mexico to protest tuition rates going up. I didn't think tuition rates should go up, but I had to go to work so I could pay my rent instead. Landlords don't like it when you tell them the reason there is no money is because you were sitting.

At Michigan State recently, students clashed with police over the most vital reason to attend college--consuming mass quantities of alcohol in a public place. Because of a recent alcohol ban at the University, about 3000 protesters cussed at cops and lit bonfires at intersections of streets, and the police came in with tear gas to clear the crowd. I'm not exactly sure what the protest was trying to accomplish because lighting fires and breaking windows is probably what the alcohol ban was trying to prevent in the first place. Nothing like drunk protesters to prove their own failings, I guess.

On the other side of the globe in Indonesia, students are protesting the inflating prices of tuition and books to the point where no one can afford them any more. Since it was Indonesia, the government came in and stomped on all of the protesting. I wonder if the students over there get to drink on campus. Most Indonesians are Muslim, so probably not.

People seem to be protesting anything and everything these days. Don't wear fur, don't buy from the big conglomerates, don't use too much water for your lawn, don't play in the arroyos, don't eat the tuna, don't drive a car, don't kill a fetus, don't step on the bugs. I agree with many of those statements and will take heed of their advice, but I'm not really in the mood to bother other people about it.

Protesting reminds me too much of telemarketing--annoying people to the point where they will do what ever you want. I have a hard enough time struggling to maintain my own identity, morals, beliefs, attitude, and strut without bothering others about theirs. Besides I could never see myself saying, "Hi, I'm Chris Jungle, and did you know there are people dying every second because of life? Life is killing us all!"

Many of the loudest protesters are the most neurotic, emotionally erratic folks I've ever seen. They are so serious about the cause that it becomes their entire life. Their reason for living. Now, I can understand wanting to stamp out the injustice in the world. Comic book super heroes always have held a special place in my heart. But let's face it, Superman didn't have a really satisfying social life, and Wolverine was down right crazy.

What's the point of all of this? I'm glad I asked. The point is that we need to fix our own issues before we pick one big one to go gallivanting around to the public about. I know we need to stop cutting down the rain forests, wear seat belts when we drive, eat some green vegetables, love every creature on earth, cut down on car emissions, respect the law, and all that, but the only person who really believes everything I say is me. So that's who I spend most of my time protesting to.

I constantly protest to myself that I watch too much television, write too much jargon, talk too much nonsense, look at women in a pornographic and unrealistic manner, consume too much crap, mumble too much in public, drink too much when I'm at a bar, urinate on the ground, question the concept of an afterlife, step on the cockroaches in my room, and display anti-social behavior on a far too regular basis.

No matter what one problem anyone thinks is the most important case in the world, I've got twenty beliefs, rituals, and causes that I'm wrestling with on a personal level. They may be petty or absurd, but they're my focus. Maybe if we fixed all of our own problems that we've stuck in the back of our heads instead of spouting off about Greenpeace issues, we'd be a little less bitchy. Or doth this man protest too much?

Chris Jungle recently protested against himself by looting, vandalizing, and stealing his own thoughts. The troops have been sent in, and Jungle law is currently in effect.

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