The super germs
a SUIT column by Chris Jungle

In New York, a man in his seventies died from a germ called Staphylocococcus Aureus Bacteria. The germ proved resistant to the most potent antibiotics available to doctors, and many illnesses see a star in the making. Staphylocococcus, or Staph as it prefers to be called, is a rare breed that seeks to rise above the oppression of modern medicine.

"Germs have gotten a bad rap in the last few years as being weak because doctors have been able to wipe us out with a shot of antibiotics," Staph explains. "But I'm here to tell the world, we aren't going anywhere. They can try to keep us down, but we will rise again to be the dominator we were in the glory days."

Those glory days date back to the Middle Ages when disease and plague dominated the forefront of civilized life. Bubonic plague, Smallpox, Tuberculosis, Polio. All legends in their own time. Now, new giants like AIDS and the Ebola Virus have been passed the torch.

"It has definitely been an honor to be a part of a great history," AIDS says. "I struggled through much of my early days in the 60's and 70's, but that's all a part of paying your dues. I'm really blessed with some God-given ability, and I feel I've made the most of it." AIDS went from a homeless immunity disorder to a household name in less than five years.

The goal is simple for these bacteria and illness--as medicine improves, so will the viruses. Because many scientific groups have personal vendettas against the popular syndrome, AIDS will more than likely be contained some day, but there's always something lurking around the corner. Many fresh and exciting diseases wait in the wings for their chance at fame, and these germs aren't stupid. They take notes. "Did you see what they did to Polio?" Ebola said at one of its many guest lectures for disease expansion. "I ain't going out like that."

Many diseases are jumping on the bandwagon. With the promising young career of Staph, other illness think they can improve their productivity. Staphylococcus is among the newest and brightest stars in the disease camp. When asked what the secret to its success was, Staph responded, "Lots of training. Every time an antibiotic takes me down, I learn a little bit. They may take me down a hundred times in a row, but I keep learning and training. Once I break through, there's nothing that can stop me."

The super germs have vowed to continue the fight against modern medicine even if it means late hours at no extra pay. "We're not expecting to win this fight over night," the Syphilis explains in an exclusive telephone interview. "We're in it for the long haul. It's not that we want to be big bullies, but it all comes down to a matter of survival. Modern medicine may win many battles, but all that really matters is who wins the war."

When it comes to motivation, the diseases look no further than the Grand Daddy of them all--Cancer. "Cancer has been my idol since my beginnings as an irritating rash," Gangrene claims. "And when I see how hard it's still working, I can't help but want to improve myself." Gangrene is now so strong, amputation must occur to stop it from spreading. It's come a long way, baby.

As many germs, illnesses, and diseases train in the back alleys of the bacterial mass hoping to become the new plague, only a few ever make it to the big time. "Some diseases have to work out on a rat for up to twelve months before they even come into contact with a human," Lyme disease comments. "You have to be committed to be the best you can possibly be. If you're not ready to go twelve rounds with medicine, you might as well hang out with chicken pox."

Many germs aspire to reach the Super Germ status, but only a few will make the grade. Doctors still treat patients with expert care, and most germs fail in their quest to conquer the human body. One thing, however, is for certain. They are getting better at what they do, and who knows what up and coming germ will be the promoted to the Super Germ Division.

Chris Jungle has a bad case of Satire, and doctors have warned his family to fear the worst.

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