A successful trip
a SUIT column by Chris Jungle

I've had some good excursions in my life. There was a trip to Denver to catch a couple Rockies games and hang out with people I knew up there, the fourteen hour drive to Austin which parts of my brain never recovered from, and an unexplainable downpour that occurred just outside of Phoenix. Regardless of how the trips were, I always returned to the same situations I was in before I left. Of course, I'm not the President of the United States.

I don't know whose idea it was to send Bill Clinton off to Africa for a couple weeks, but they've certainly earned a raise and a letter of recommendation. They used the one great strategy a president can use when he runs into trouble--get him out of Washington. Instead of scuttling him off to Camp David or scheduling another rally in Ohio, somebody thought it would be a good idea to send him to the Dark Continent. To put it mildly, it was a great idea.

No matter what the media said about Clinton's sexual history, the only current footage they had of the president portrayed Clinton touching thousands who were thankful and singing his praises. I can hear English teachers across the country ready to go into their half an hour lecture on the potency of the Christ-like metaphor. Religion aside, everyone in Africa seemed thrilled to meet our president. How can a man be bad if everyone around is smiling and praising him?

There was Clinton with the masses, Clinton on safari, Clinton with Mandela, and most importantly, Clinton with Hillary. Let's face it, Bill and Hillary have a political marriage, and even with all of the infidelity, they have a knack for looking good together when it's just them.

Never underestimate the power of looking good. Who knows if Ted Kaczynski would have gotten off if he'd brushed his hair and donned a sharp suit? The trip to Africa made Clinton look good. His big gesture was to apologize to the Continent about slavery. Not exactly the biggest, boldest stance on the opinion spectrum, but you have to admit, it was a guaranteed good call to take responsibility for part of our history's nasty past. By the way, I too apologize for everything bad that happened before my birth.

It was amusing to see the media talk about Clinton's affairs with a former Miss America and flight attendants and then they showed footage of him dancing around in another land. How could you be mad at a president who is willing to get down with beauty queens and the natives for a jam session?

I'm sure a lot of it was just good timing and coincidence, but after days of seeing the president draped in festive, colorful costumes, the Paula Jones case was thrown out of court. This confirmed that the African trip will go down as one of the best vacations a president has taken in recent memory, and it will most likely set a precedent for presidents down the line. When in doubt, send the big man out of the country for a while.

Clinton didn't come back with all of his sins washed away, and Ken Starr is still trying to figure out the connection between casual fictional reading and perjury. But the president looks better (less bags under the eyes), has some weight lifted from his shoulders (less baggage), and an approval rating that rises with the stock market (less hassles). I never thought one trip would have that large an effect on the political arena. Even the summits never brought this kind of feel good vibe.

It's amazing that we have a president whose sexual appetite outdoes some rock and roll stars, and it's even more shocking that he's getting away with it without some major concessions. What's more is that we want him to get away with it. I want him to get away with it. I have a few skeletons and vices in my closet which could be described as "morally questionable." But if Clinton gets off, we all will feel like we can get away with our own failings as upstanding citizens.

Africa has been called many things, but I never thought it would be the perfect refuge for our president. It worked. Love him or hate him, it worked pretty darn good. Did Clinton use Africa? Did he use the media? Did he sucker us in with a feeling that no matter what happened in his past everybody around the world still likes him? You bet he did, and we ate it all up like the positive reinforcement junkies we are. It was a brilliant strategy. I know a lot of the circumstances and timing was just coincidence, but it doesn't matter now because it happened nonetheless. This was better than my trips to Denver, or Austin, or Phoenix. It was probably one of the most successful trips of all time.

Chris Jungle would like to get a head start and apologize for everything bad that will occur after he's dead.

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