Make sure not to tell anyone
a SUIT column by Chris Jungle

Just when I thought everything was starting to make sense, I read a New York Times article entitled "CIA Drafts Covert Plan to Topple Saddam." The article talked about how the CIA is coming up with ideas on how to throw Saddam from his high horse. I understand that certain government agencies come up with schemes and plots to screw over foreign governments because that's what they're there for, but why are they telling us?

The very definition of the word covert means secret. Any mention in the New York Times of a plan means the very opposite of covert. While the article doesn't go into specifics of what their hush-hush plans are, it discusses plans they've done in the past and possibilities for new plans.

Can our government not keep secrets any more? Are all of these leaks intentional? Is the media just really good at being nosy? If the CIA did purposefully tell the press it is working on covert plans, we really need to change the guard over there. Do they think the Bay of Pigs would have gone better if we'd told Cuba outright we were planning to attack? If I know a guy is making a bomb in his house, it doesn't really matter if I know the specifics of what kind of bomb it is because I still know he's making it and will prepare for it.

What's even more foolish about telling the public about CIA plans is that we will realize the CIA comes up with some stupid and expensive ideas. One of the "covert" plans is to continue the broadcasting of "Radio Free Iraq," a propaganda radio station saying how bad Saddam is. I don't know how many Iraqis have an adequate food supply, let alone a cranking AM/FM radio. It doesn't matter how many times you say Saddam is evil to the Iraqis. He's the guy who has all the money, guns, and power, and a million man resistance isn't worth much when they only have five thousand bullets.

One thing the Gulf War did was show Saddam who his enemies were in his own country, and those people aren't around anymore. Nobody knows where they went--they just aren't around anymore. The CIA is considering who might be able to overthrow him now. There are the Kurds in the north, who are still wandering around asking "Is this my homeland?" There's the Shiites in the south, who have not shown the ability to influence themselves let alone an entire country. Remember, if you kill a leader, it's your responsibility to put a new one into power, but you'd better choose wisely. I think Castro is still grateful for the aid we gave him for his rise to power, although I hear he quit writing thank you notes a while back.

So now that the covert actions aren't so covert any more, I'd like to throw in a couple of my own brainstorms. Let's buy the country off. If there's one thing the United States has a lot of, it's money. Why don't we agree to pay for all of Iraq's medical needs and food with lots of cable TV and kickback cash for Saddam to throw around. Everybody thinks of Saddam as a son of a bitch. Well, we could change that. He could be a pimp. Not one of those mean, beats his women, conniving, dirty, drug pushing pimps, but one that is stylish, smooth, and with a bit of class. A high society type pimp.

With a little creativity, we could turn Baghdad into the Las Vegas of the Middle East. One of those prime vacation spots for all those newly rich Russian capitalists. Saddam would soon learn the joys of being the Donald Trump of the Desert instead of the horder of those nasty chemical weapons.

So there's my covert action idea. If Saddam agrees to give up his weapons (and we know he has them), we'll make Iraq the glitziest, shiniest, most dazzling nation east of Morocco. Filled to the gills with casinos, strip bars, Circus Circus, day care centers, stock car speed ways, horse tracks, malls, McDonalds, public transportation, movie theaters, night clubs, golf courses, theme parks, and everything else that makes war look like a big waste of time. Of course, this a covert idea, so don't tell anyone.

Chris Jungle applied for the position of pimp in the LCN Syndicate, but they told him he wasn't qualified for the job and instead offered him the columnist job he has now.

return to the Shut up, I'm talking page
return to the LIES home page
return to the A&A home page