Above the law
a SUIT column by Chris Jungle

Last weekend, Clayton Shields, a member for the University of New Mexico basketball team, was caught with a group of guys who fired a gun into the air in public. It was a group of college athletes and a high school recruit. The gun was registered to Shields, but he claimed he was not the one who fired it. Since the story broke during a week in which UNM didn't play any games, it was good fodder for the sports page for a few days. Lots of questions about whether the gun was fired in or outside the vehicle and discussions about Shields growing up in a rough part of Houston. The inevitable happened: a lot of people asked questions, the private life of an athlete was overly publicized, and no official charges were made.

It made me feel good to see the system work so well. And it brought up a belief I've held for a while: some people are above the law. Let's face it, there are hundreds and maybe even thousands of people who are above the law. If you're a public figure who has their private turning up in newspapers and tabloids, any and all misdemeanor chargers should automatically be waved and all felonies considered more like misdemeanors. The punishment for public figures isn't jail time or community service, but instead, it is the bad press they receive when they do something wrong. Clayton Shields is no longer commenting on the incident, and that's just fine with me. He's already been sentenced to a week of bad press for his actions.

I can hear people crying out, "What about me? Why does Clayton Shields get to be above the law while I still have to buckle my seat belt, show proper ID to buy booze, and go to jail for looking at a cop wrong?" Well, I sympathize, but until you become a 6-8 man who averages 18 points a game and can drop three pointers at will, you will be considered part of the common man and punished as such.

Athletes are only a chunk of the people who should be above the law. President Clinton is above the law--as he well should be. His punishment will not come from Kenneth Starr or Newt Gingrich, but from the constant exposure by the media to his many faults. Some people are mad because he's going to get away with touching a young woman and not lose his job. Impeachment and unemployment is far too severe. I declare that for his moral crimes against the United States, President Clinton can be made fun of about this scandal until twenty years past his life span. He should have to endure hummer, semen, and intern jokes for the rest of his days. Forget all the criminal charges, we just want to make fun of him some more.

So athletes and politicians are above the law, and that leaves entertainers. Actors, singers, and the like. Actors abuse themselves with heavy duty narcotics, and singers shoot rival singers. As long as they keep giving the rest of us something to talk about, I don't see a problem with their rambunctious behavior, and they should be allowed to continue at will. Don't act like you are above talking about all these little scandals because deep down in an overlapping fold in your brain, you want to say something about the lives of public figures.

I like people being above the law. The main reason is because I dream of a day where I'm above the law as well and walk around Nob Hill with a big black overcoat and an entourage of twelve people. The poor and destitute will come up to me and ask for favors--which I will be happy to grant as long as they kiss my rings and pledge their lives to making my personal power machine stronger until one day I will rule the world as a benevolent leader. Sure, pagan carnage will continue in the streets ultimately crumbling the Great Society as we know it, but I will be the leader! A man has to dream, doesn't he?

Clayton Shields doesn't have to dream anymore. Well, except for maybe that NBA dream. He's above the law, and he's worked hard to get there. When he first arrived in New Mexico, he got pushed around inside by bigger and stronger guys in the paint and allowed teammates to take over the game. Now he's got a long range stroke and a solid inside game which should make him go somewhere in the first round of the draft, and once he makes the NBA, he'll have to physically hurt someone before the law will step in. Even more, Shields seems to be a pretty nice guy (he gives a fine interview), and it's good to let nice guys be above the law.

Chris Jungle has been informed that columnists can never attain 'Above the Law' status and are actually quite below the law.

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