Schoolboy fantasies
a SUIT column by Chris Jungle

When I was a kid, all of the guys knew who the pretty teachers were. In sixth grade, there was a teacher named Mrs. Penn, and since she was twenty or thirty years younger than the other choices, the guys thought her to be the prettiest. She even got pregnant during my sixth grade year which means she had sex in her free time. An amazing idea for any eleven-year-old. Moving on to junior high, most of the teachers left a lot to be desired in the way of looks, so we had to flirt and gawk at girls our own age until my ninth grade year. My algebra class got a student teacher named Ms. Greene for a few months. She was young, thin, blond, and I paid attention to everything she said pertaining to the letter X. I knew she had no interest in a fourteen-year-old goof like myself, but it was still fun to fantasize about how we could have a secret affair in the janitor's closet. A boy has to dream in school, doesn't he?

Now, there's an ex-school teacher named Mary Kay LeTourneau who has been caught twice messing around with a former student. She got pregnant by the kid and violated parole by being caught in a car with the young tyke. There was also $6,200, clothes and a passport. I think they were going for a trip, but I'm no police detective or anything. As far as how good looking the 35-year-old lady is, I'll say she's more attractive than Mrs. Penn but no match for Mrs. Greene. But for young boy fantasies, she's easily pretty enough.

I know what you're thinking. How can you sit and think about how good looking this sick woman is when the point is that she took advantage of a young boy's fertile mind? Well, there's a point to talking about physical beauty because if she wasn't very pretty, I think the young lad would've directed his hormones more toward girls his own age. Since Mrs. LeTourneau is attractive, she was allowed to be the desire of a young boy's fantasy.

This fantasy turned into reality (although I don't think they were caught in the janitor's closet), and the reality turned into a baby. How would you like to be the baby of a thirty-five year old woman and thirteen year old guy? Mom would be listening to Yanni while Dad whooped it up with Bone-Thug-N-Harmony. They'd be an eclectic family to say the least. Now Mom's in jail for seven years for violating parole, Dad is battling the daily grind of junior high, and the baby is just nine months old.

I understand the attraction with plucking a young child to have as your very own. Women complain they can't find a good man out there. I guess an alternative could be to pick a thirteen-year-old and make them into whatever man the woman wants. In fact, there might be a lucrative market in the selling of young teenage boys on the black market for ladies who hear their biological clock ticking. Why should teachers be the only ones to benefit from knowing young budding youth? Just think about all of the housewives out there who are thinking "What I wouldn't give for a young piece of meat."

I know, I know, that's a little sordid, but so's the truth. The truth of the whole thing is that a young kid had a crush on his teacher, and the teacher let the crush blow up into something out of control. I think if Mrs. Greene would've shown the slightest interest in me when I went up to ask about denominators and smell her hair, I think some strange and shocking developments would've occurred. And I wouldn't have cared one bit.

There is a lesson to be learned. Even though it's not one of the Ten Commandments: thou shalt not covet thy students until they are of consenting age. That makes college professors exempt unless they are trading sex for grades. That's a whole different commandment all together. Little kids are always going to have fantasies about being with older, more mature people. Puberty has a way of putting the nastiest of nasty thoughts in a kid's head. That's okay because there's really nothing anyone can do to stop hormones, but we really shouldn't indulge the kids by letting their twisted sexual fantasies to come true. Otherwise, we could end up with a 35-year-old woman in prison, a fourteen-year-old kid who still wants to be with her, and a nine-month-old baby already guaranteed to be in therapy for a long, long time. Fantasies are always short-lived, and when we wake up, reality is waiting to make up for our dreams.

Chris Jungle gave up math after learning calculus when he realized the math instructors were never going to look like Ms. Greene.

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