A damn fine story
a SUIT column by Chris Jungle

I can envision a time in the far away future when the youth will ask the old folks what it was like living during the scandal of the Lewinsky Affair. Different people will give different answers, but most will admit it was definitely entertaining. A free mini-series that went on for weeks. We didn't understand all of the characters or their intentions, but we knew that with each passing day the story could take drastic turns. It was all very silly and yet at the same time historic. We got to talk about the difference between morality and legality, old men messing with young women, the attraction to power, the beast called the media, right-wing conspiracies, and somewhere in the background was an impending military action with a country we'd fought with less than a decade before. Hollywood couldn't have produced it any better.

Instead of big movie executives bringing us this fine series, it's the media. Yes, the same media that killed Princess Di and harassed Arnold Schwarzenegger is responsible for giving us all of the juicy and intimate details of the President's extramarital activities. This made people complain about the media. In fact, it made the media complain about the media as we all frolicked in the strange post-modern ironies unfolding.

First off, I don't blame the media for anything. We want the story. We want to see our president act like nothing is going on, we want Kenneth Starr to continually come up with nothing substantial, we want to see how Revlon was involved in this. Some people don't like it that the phrase "semen stained dress" gets so much airplay because children are listening. I think it's a little pompous to assume kids are watching the news with any kind of attention span, but if that's the case, I'm sure parents can quickly change the tube to MTV or plug in a play station where they can watch women in bikinis dance or splatter the blood of little demons who jump on the screen. At least those outlets aren't saying semen.

Then, there are the debates. The debates about everything. There are debates about whether the Bible says it's okay to have oral sex without having an affair. I think I can sum up whether something is an affair or not. If you're married and you kiss someone passionately who is not your spouse, it's affair-like material. I'm sorry to be so strict on the subject, but if you don't want to commit yourself to one person for the rest of your life then don't get married. Trying to justify why it's okay to get a blow job from someone else besides your wife just makes you sound more like a weasel.

People debate about young Monica and her intentions. Young Monica wanted to be with the president, she got to be with the president, she got good paying jobs because of her White House recommendations. It sounds like capitalism at its finest: have dreams, get laid, get a good job. Some people call her obsessed, some people call her a floozy, some people call her a rich bitch. Some people are right, but there are a lot more obsessed rich bitch floozies around than you think in this country. And for some reason, a lot of them are pretty successful (in the capitalism sense). Don't get me wrong, I like capitalism, but you have to admit, some strange behavior occurs during the pursuit of money, sex, and power.

I haven't even got to Linda Tripp yet. She wanted a book deal, and she got a book deal. I want a book deal. These weekly columns are starting to pile up and would make a wonderful addition to anyone's coffee table collection. Unfortunately, people want to publish sleaze, and all of the people I know who are single and sleeping with married people are just regular people with weaknesses and low profiles. As a result, I can't even get my short stories published. Maybe I should go buy a tape recorder.

There's so much to this scandal that it's impossible to sum it all up in one column, but I'll give it a shot nonetheless. This whole big hoopla deal is a just a story. Some of it is based in reality, some of it is the exaggerated truth, and some of it is outlandish theories and bald-faced lies. It's still a pretty good story. It's better than Dynasty, or Melrose Place, or The Thornbirds. Remember The Thornbirds? Old priest, young girl, lots of sex and guilt.

The story is still going and probably will until we bomb Iraq, and when the little kids ask us big kids about the affair, we can say "It was one hell of a story and gave me something to talk about for a whole month." That's what we really want from our stories anyway.

Chris Jungle has come to the conclusion that everyone but him is having sex right now.

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