This is some good milk
a SUIT column by Chris Jungle

Okay, so who's going around cloning genetically customized calves?

Scientists, says the scientist. That's who.

Now, why would we want genetically customized calves, Mr. Scientist?

To put pharmaceuticals in the cow's milk for human consumption, the scientist says.

Really?

Yeah, really, we're already working on putting albumin in their milk.

Albumin? What's albumin?

It's a blood protein. It helps transfer the fluids in the body. Good for preventing liver disease and malnutrition.

And that's what you want to accomplish with your cloning? An easy way to produce albumin?

No, no. The possibilities are endless. You have any ideas?

Oh, you shouldn't have asked that.

Why? asks the scientists.

Because I have some ideas.

It's not often that I have imaginary conversations with a scientist, and it's even less likely for me to have a chat with a real one. Let's face it, this cloning thing is going to change the world. Now, all scientists aren't like the crazy geneticist on South Park; I haven't seen a five-assed monkey running around lately. But we should admit some strange stuff is going to occur because of cloning. Lots of amazing and wonderful stuff is going to become possible, but for every two or three positives, there's going to be a backlash.

Let's think about this milk thing. If they can put good pharmaceuticals in cow's milk, I bet a seventy-five cent coupon off Fruit Loops that they will figure out how to make narcotic milk-making cattle. Don't say it won't happen because it will. Drug cartels have just as much and sometimes better technology than governments. They have the will and motivation, and--most important--they have no morals. All that adds up to herds of crack cows roaming the countryside.

And it wouldn't just be crack. Hundreds of methamphetamine heifers, THC bovine, LSD longhorns (trippy cows), and the deadly smack cow. The already rich dairy farmers would get a lot of side orders for the "special" milk, the government will be on the look out for anyone with a milk mustache in public, and milk "chill out" bars will open up all over the country.

If there's an up side to taking narcotic milk, it's that junkies will get all the calcium they need and then some, and there's nothing better than a fit and healthy junkie. People will begin to buy special refrigerators which cool at the optimum temperature for milk to get the best tasting white liquid. Dealers will sell different strands of milk varying in potency. It's only a matter of time before the announcement is made at an outdoor concert "Don't drink the chocolate milk, it appears to be bad."

But do we have to just have narcotic milk from cows? What about the cow itself? Can't we make a big bull in which every part of its body is THC? Boy, there'd be nothing like having a good pot steak every once in a while. Or maybe a pot roast? Oh, wait a minute, never mind about that last one.

The beef companies could really cash in on this new cloning thing. They wouldn't have to worry about Oprah's saying meat is bad. They'd have a hook line seller to millions. "Beef: it's what you want."

And if they can do this to cows, the narcotic cloning eventually has to come around to humans. Then, my ultimate goddess will come to life. The Acid Lady. One kiss from the Acid Lady, and you'd be in paradise for the next six to eight hours. She would have to warn people that intense making out with her could cause irreparable damage. The Acid Lady could ride from town to town kissing the sad, dejected, and curious, and I could ride next her. Her trusty sidekick reveling in her glory.

So keep on coming out with these nifty cloning ideas. I can't say I understand how or why it's going on, but like the scientists, I do see an endless supply of opportunities.

People are fearful of cloning because they think things will change. And you know what? They're right. But decades ago, people weren't thinking they'd be able to see pictures of naked ladies on a computer screen in their own homes, or have a twenty-four hour megamart forever glowing around the corner, or take albumin supplements in their milk. Things change. They change for the better, and they change for the worse. And there's no stopping it.

Chris Jungle once thought he met the Acid Lady, but she turned out just to be a con artist who stole fifty bucks from him.

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