The universe that keeps going and going
a SUIT column by Chris Jungle

This just in. The finest astronomers in the world have discovered that the universe will expand forever, and it's fulfilled my wildest dreams. First off, it means dreams and science have come together in the perfect blend. The universe (which has always been the pet project of all hard sciences in one form or another) and the concept of forever (which has always been the lingo of junkies, hack writers and columnists, and fools in love) have united in perfect harmony, and the weird thing is that it makes sense.

Don't throw any mathematical equations at me to prove the theory, because I don't need it. I never spoke well in mathematical terms. I never saw people in height or weight, cars in speed, or penises in length. The math doesn't matter. All that matters is that the universe can go on forever and ever. Besides, I'm pretty good at taking other people's word for stuff. Especially astronomers. God knows I'm not going to double check their work.

Speaking of God, let's consider something religious for a second. If there was one word that I could get from Sunday School teachers to describe what God was like, the response was God is forever.

Okay, I lied -- I'm going to use a little math. In algebra, one of the cool equations has always been if A=C and B=C then A=B. If God is forever and the universe is forever then (Bless my soul) God is the universe. Thank you very much to everyone who is now standing and applauding. You're all invited when I accept the Nobel Prize for Mumbo Jumbo.

All hallucinations aside, it is an interesting concept to consider the universe as God. Think about it. If God was finally given a size, shape, and label called the Universe, would God be any less than what we dreamed? God supposedly is watching over us and making us feel better. Well, so far the universe has kept everything from hitting our tiny planet while humans have been reigning as king of species. God is all-powerful. I think anything that created a black hole is pretty all-powerful as well. If you mess with God, you will pay. If we screw with the Universe, I bet we'll pay. And the parallels go on and on.

Would it be so bad to call Jesus the Son of the Universe as opposed to the Son of God? Little children can learn to say "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Universe my soul to keep." The Bible starts out "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth." That sounds pretty similar to what scientists say the universe did. I bet if you substituted the word Universe for God, most of the stuff would still make sense. Although even I will admit, Universedammit sounds a tad bit silly.

I know when the astronomers came out with the "universe is forever" theory, they weren't expecting anyone to start pointing out similarities between the universe and the Judeo-Christian God, but that's the way the ball bounces sometimes. What may be bothering people with this idea is that we can explain the universe in mathematical terms. As I stated before, I and many others don't like mathematical explanations for anything. Especially God.

What everyone needs to realize is that we may finally be able to combine science and religion into one big happy family. If a scientist would be willing to worship anything, it's the universe. Even the grumpiest physics professor has to admit the universe could crush us any time it wanted and therefore deserves our respect and admiration. Some people want an omnipotent God. It seems to me the universe is pretty much everywhere and seeing everything.

I'm not saying we need to all fall on our knees and pray fourteen times a day to the Master of Masters, the Almighty Universe, but all those people who think there's no higher power, nothing keeping everything in order, and nothing that will last a long time need to look up at the sky at night and realize for some reason we have air to breathe, we have night and day, and we have a chance to look at the heavens which apparently go on forever and ever. Amen.

Chris Jungle is applying for a shepherding license so more people will take his ideas seriously.

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