I've been reading all these doomsday stories about how India and Pakistan will soon wipe each other off the face of the earth, kicking off an early nuclear autumn, if not out-and-out winter.
Um, okay, but let's get real. Does anyone really think these two countries would piss in their backyards like that? You, know, a few years back it was at least somewhat plausible that the U.S. and Russia, or Russia and China or the whole holy trinity might rain bombs down upon each other. Their population centers aren't terribly close to each other, and there might be some fools that believe a megaton here or there won't do any harm. In fact, in the late 1940s a few U.S. generals seriously argued for wiping the Soviet Union off the map before the great red menace got its hands on nukes itself. Some flunkies drew up a number of plans and some important people approved them before Truman and the top brass kindly said, "Thanks, but no thanks."
That little historical note is brought to you by the Society for the Prevention of Indecent Hypocrisy. You know, Americans aren't exactly angels when it comes to nuclear weapons. We are still the only nation on earth to use atomic weapons as an act of war, after all. I don't see how we can claim to hold any high moral ground on this issue.
Despite the nasty ethnic stereotypes propagated by reporters and government officials alike, the Indians and the Pakistanis are relatively reasonable people. They may send a few hundred thousand kids to their deaths every few years in another futile attempt to liberate a couple square miles of Kashmir from the infidels, but these guys don't want to annihilate themselves. No matter what, the nukes on the Indian sub-continent (a great name if I ever heard one) aren't going to be used in anger. Period.
But just the idea of such a confrontation brings us ten light years closer to the Chinese. My guess is that when Congress actually figures out that India and Pakistan are in the same neighborhood as the Chinese (sad to say, but as the Fredonia episode points out, many of our national leaders couldn't tell an Azeri from an Armenian), all of a sudden they'll be more than happy to endorse the Prez's trip to Beijing. And if the nukes weren't enough, as soon as another satellite spins out of orbit, the boys on the Hill will be clamoring for more Chinese launches. No more of this "red China" nonsense.
And good riddance. Since the end of the cold war, we've been searching for enemies. How is it that Fidel Castro and Saddam Hussein, two-bit players in B-movies to be sure, ever managed to garner any publicity at all? Well, we need them. We need a national bogeyman. And they fit the bill. Swarthy types with facial hair. Watch any western. Who's the bad guy? The man with the heavy suntan and unruly beard. An archetype programmed into our brains.
This need for a new fear center is where the nukes come in. We've always feared burning death from the sky worse than anything else, and now we're got two new reasons to be scared. And besides, Patrick Swayze's career needs a new lift. Perhaps Red Dawn II: Shiva and the Sword of Mohammed will turn the trick, eh? Somehow he's single-handedly beaten back the Cubans, only to face a new nuclear threat across the Pacific. Well, maybe that's not such a good idea. I mean, Superman IV: The Quest for Peace died at the box office. Too preachy. Too much hippie nonsense. We've got to appease our Cartman-like nation. Maybe if a little ass got kicked on the way to finding a just peace. Hey, we've got plenty of footage from jungle wars in southeast Asia, right?
So anyway, trust me on this. There's lots more important things to worry about than what the Indians and the Pakistanis are doing. Things like Godzilla's surprisingly low box office take. Or the Bulls-Jazz series. Or how it is that hack music writers like me haven't gotten a copy of the new ALL album yet.
You know, really important stuff.
Jon Worley had a monster crush on Ally Sheedy after watching WarGames some sixty million times.