Death to marriage
by Jon Worley

The Hawaiian Supreme Court is expected to rule in favor of homosexual marriage in the very near future. There's already an anti-gay marriage amendment to the state's constitution on the ballot. The folks behind this initiative (with plenty of help from similar groups on the mainland) refer to their campaign as a "defense of marriage". Like many, I didn't know it was in trouble in the first place.

To be fair, these groups target more than gays. They also want to get rid of no-fault divorce and other such "impediments" to marriage. See, they're equal-opportunity idiots.

Of course, lots of people are getting divorced before they even try to work out their difficulties. A good number of folks get married and expect a life filled with peaches and cream. They don't want to work on their relationship any more; why should they? They're married. They don't have to be attentive anymore. I've got a better solution to this dilemma. I suggest we abolish marriage. Period.

Whenever another couple in my social circle gets married, a bunch of us married types sit around and kibbutz. The general feeling is that nothing should change after marriage. That way, life is as happy as it was before. One partner is still trying to impress the other, and vice versa. Doesn't make sense to change when everything is going right, does it? Unfortunately, we all know the tales of the husband or wife (or both) who "let themselves go" as soon as the wedding finery came off. We know about the guy who quit bowling with the boys to please his wife, only to hold that against her and eventually drive a wedge in the marriage.

Marriage originated as a way for men to acquire more property. In fact, his wives were his property. Allow me a Biblical reference, if you will. Book of Genesis, Chapter 12. Abram (soon to be Abraham) goes to Egypt and whores out his wife (Sarai, soon to be Sarah) to the Pharaoh. As a way of smoothing over any tension, you see. This attitude toward women was not unique to Abram, and there are plenty of guys today who still buy into the chattel theory. The idea of a marriage is not to put anyone under someone else's thumb. It's to allow for two people to operate together in sympathetic lives. You know what? We don't need marriage for that.

I know, lots of folks say that without marriage their partner would take off and follow the next pretty young thing that walked by. Really? Why are you married to such an fool? The phrase "You get what you settle for" comes to mind. I made my commitment to my wife long before our wedding day. I wasn't nervous or anything during the ceremony, because I saw all of the hoops as superfluous. It was great to romp around in the Gulf of Mexico with all our friends the weekend of our wedding, but in my opinion, we didn't need a ceremony. Didn't need that paper. Though it did help to get me health insurance.

And that's where the abolition of marriage comes in. If no one can get married, then companies would have no choice but to offer health insurance (and other useful benefits) to the partners and families of its employees. The definition of family would fall to the employee, not the state. There are companies that do this already, but most rely on the out-dated marriage system to determine who is really "committed".

Lots of other advantages, too. The stigma of illegitimacy will be washed away (as it has been in places like Iceland, where marriage still exists, but they place the premium on the child and not on the marital situation of the parents). Couples of all sorts would be able to freely rent apartments without finger-wagging or outright refusal. Women would be freed up (somewhat) from the strange compulsion to "find a man" before 30. A woman's sexual status wouldn't be questioned nearly so readily (She's wearing white?!?). In all cases, partners will be more likely to be attentive to the other's needs. Keep on the good foot.

Of course, this is precisely what the folks "defending marriage" fear. If we wipe out marriage, then there are so many fewer opportunities to sit back and sanctimoniously denigrate people. No more preaching at "hussies". No more cat-calls of "bastard". No more whining about homosexuals destroying marriage. Worst of all, no cultivating a big-ass belly and telling your wife to fetch you another beer.

Call it a preemptive strike. I don't care. Call it whatever you want. Believe me, a heterosexual happily married man: Marriage has no place in our society today. It's merely a tool of the ignorant and the hateful, and we ought to take it out of their sand box. Leave the dolts with only grit-encrusted cat feces and macro-brew beer.

Jon Worley never ate any of his wedding cake. In some states, this means he's not really married.

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