Hi, you've reached Kenny, the editor-in-chief. If you have information concerning the sex life of the President, press one. If you are interested in a personal accounting of my budget as special prosecutor, please go screw yourself.
Thank you. If you personally had an affair with the President, press one. If you have a close, personal friend who had an affair with the President, press two. If your father slept with the President's mother at any time before her death, press three.
Thank you. If your friend is a man, press one. If your friend is a woman, press two. If your friend goes both ways, press three.
Thank you. If your friend had an affair with the President before 1993, press one. If your friend had an affair with the President since he has been in office, press two.
Thank you. If your friend also had an affair with the first lady, press one. If your friend also had an affair with Vernon Jordan, press two. If your friend had an affair with Janet Reno, press three. If your friend slept only with the President, press four.
Thank you. If your friend has detailed information about the President's sexual preferences, press one. If your friend likes to play coy, please hang up.
Thank you. If your friend says the President prefers the missionary position, press one. If your friend says the President prefers fellatio, press two. If your friend says the President prefers anal sex, press three. If your friend says the President prefers cunnilingus, press four. If your friend says the President prefers watching women masturbate while he sodomizes young boys, press five.
Thank you. If your friend has a description of the President's genitalia, press one. If she never saw his penis, please hang up.
Thank you. If your friend says the President is circumcised, press one. If your friend says the President is uncircumcised, press two.
Thank you. If your friend says the President has a mole or other distinguishing mark near the tip of his penis, press one. If your friend says the President has a mole or other distinguishing mark near the base of his penis, press two. If your friend says the President has a mole or other distinguishing mark in the midsection of his penis, press three. If your friend says the President has no mole or other distinguishing mark on his penis, press four.
Thank you. If you are willing to wear a wire and tape a conversation with your friend concerning your friend's affair with the president, press one. If you are not, please hang up.
Thank you. If you are a former political employee of a Republican administration, press one. If you have ever voted for a democrat at any time during your life, please hang up.
Thank you. If you are willing to allow me to drag you and your friend in the mud along with the President, in the national interest, of course, press one. If you don't have the stomach to deal with the media, please hang up.
Thank you. You will connected with my secretary immediately.
Not completely unfamiliar with the concept of improper actions, Jon Worley read the new T. Coraghessan Boyle book Sunday evening instead of watching the Super Bowl.