Aargh! I married a dork!
by Tyler Jane Barley

No, no, not me. I haven't married anyone. But I've been hearing this complaint from many of my friends, though they don't seem all that upset about the situation. With all the jerks around (wife beaters, drug addicts, football freaks, whatever), they're quite happy their men are decent human beings. Still, there is something to be said for the non-dorky man who's not a complete jerk.

So, after all my years of taking Cosmo Quizzes, I think I've got the solution. Just answer these questions honestly (and if the answer isn't precisely among the choices, pick the one that's closest), and at the end, you'll discover just what kind of man you have.

The TJB Dork-O-Meter

1. My man's favorite food is...
a. raw steak
b. enchiladas
c. salad

2. My man's favorite movie is...
a. Debbie Does Dallas, part VII
b. Star Wars
c. Love Story

3. My man's favorite drink is...
a. Cisco
b. Bud
c. St. Martin-in-the-Fields Auggslander Stout

4. My man always salivates when he sees...
a. handcuffs
b. Jennifer Lopez
c. a record store

5. My man's idea of perfect night out is...
a. drinks and wings at Hooters and a trip to a swinger's club
b. beer, crabcakes and three hours of dancing
c. Burgers and a Harrison Ford movie

6. My man's idea of advanced technology is...
a. fully automatic paintguns
b. a 200-disc CD player
c. a 333Mhz Pentium II, 24XCD-ROM, 9.1G hard drive system with 56K modem system, 19" monitor, Jaz drive and color printer

7. My man likes me for my...
a. vulnerability
b. looks and personality
c. intelligence and choice of glasses

8. My man always sings along when he hears...
a. "The Beast in Me" (Johnny Cash)
b. "God Bless the Children of the Beast" (Motley Crue)
c. "The Number of the Beast" (Iron Maiden)

9. My man always swears that someday he'll...
a. buy a taser
b. write the great American novel
c. clean the bathroom

10. My man's philosophy can be summed up as...
a. always leave them in pain
b. relax, have a homebrew
c. whatever your want, honey

Scoring:

Score 1 point for each A answer, 3 points for each B answer and 5 points for each C answer.

10 points:This guy is a certifiable sociopath. Call the police immediately.
1-20 points: Never close your eyes on this man. If you hear metal clinking, run away!
21-25 points: He's a little spooky, but probably presentable.
26-30 points: A good combination of macho craziness and sensitivity.
31-40 points: Getting dorkier, but probably livable. Just make sure he doesn't backslide.
41-49 points: A real dork, the kind of guy who will never sleep around on you. And if your standards are that low, you should be very happy.
50 points: The king of the dorks. This is the sort of guy who will hold the door open for everyone, and won't hand it off until you grab him by the hand and drag him inside. A definite early Depends candidate.

I sure hope this helps. Maybe you can avoid my friends's angst. Anything to further the cause of happy womanhood.

Tyler Jane Barley has failed every "Are You Ready for a Husband" quiz ever written.

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