Cross my heart and hope to die
by Tyler Jane Barley

The President has been pokin' his prod in the wrong pasture. This is hardly a news flash.

Come on, folks, you knew he was a philanderer when you elected him. Bill Clinton wants to be loved by everyone. Apparently in the most familiar of ways. Since he's a big, important man, silly women throw themselves at him. And like the lovable lug that he is, he doesn't turn them down.

Okay, so he shouldn't have lied about the affair under oath. That's a bad thing. They call it perjury. It could get him impeached. But so what? There have been people howling for his impeachment since before he took the oath of office. And not just random loons like Ollie North and Randall Terry. Elected people who should know better, like Senators John "I'll kill no babies before their time" Ashcroft of Missouri and Rick "Harlot? Did I say harlot?" Santorum. These are not guys with studious legal minds. These are guys with visions of replacing the poker-in-chief. Can we take them seriously?

No. And should we really worry about whether or not Bill Clinton lied when asked about his affairs? Only if the questioner is Hillary Rodham Clinton. Her vote in this matter is the only one that counts.

I know, I know, the potentially perjured answers supposedly had something to do with the Paula "I'd really appreciate it if you wouldn't call me an opportunistic golddigger, okay?" Jones case, but come on. The possible fact that Clinton has had a thousand consensual affairs wouldn't necessarily mean that he's big into sexual harassment. After all, by definition (and this should be obvious to any speaker of the English language), harassment involves not only sex, but harassment. A threat, generally, some way in which a person of perceived power uses that power to obtain sex. My understanding of Jones's claim is that Clinton whipped his wonder worm out in front of her. What if he did? She went into the room of her own volition, I believe, and I don't think she's claiming that he made her stick around to fully appreciate his personal demonstration of the theory of general relativity. She left, somewhat grossed out, perhaps, but not concerned enough to do anything about it until he decided to run for president. You stick me on that jury, I'll call him an asshole, a jerk and perhaps a rude bastard, but I won't call what he did harassment.

So all of the Jones questions are simply theater of the absurd. I know the republicans have been wanting to "get one" ever since Nixon wiped out, but come on; lying about an affair under oath, while stupid, is nothing compared to authorizing government harassment, illegal wiretapping, breaking and entering and obstruction of justice on a grand scale.

Hey, I've had boyfriends who've lied about where they'd been keeping their John Thomases. I gave them the boot. From my life. I didn't lobby their bosses to get them fired and I didn't call up the local prosecutor to set up a sting operation so as to somehow catch these guys in a lie under oath. I just told them to never call me again.

But see, Hillary is sticking around. Like she has through many less-publicized storms. Maybe she doesn't mind Bill's indiscretions. More likely, she isn't in the mood to share his humiliation by being the first sitting first lady to file for divorce. Whatever. The only person who Bill Clinton has to answer to vis-a-vis his sex life is the lovely Missus. No one else. Okay, so he's not under oath with the threat of the state hanging over his head; he's got an even more demanding judge in this case: The most important person in his life.

I'm betting he's swearing on something a bit more substantial than the Bible in that court.

Tyler Jane Barley is an expert in the applied physics of relationships.

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