The crystal balls
by Matt Worley

After gazing into my personal crystal ball, I was able to discern the following scenarios for the near future. Please be aware that BlymeŽ Crystal Balls are only 63% accurate (at least that's what it said on the box), so some of this stuff might be a little bit off.

1. The U.S. and some of the other countries in the U.N. will go to war against Iraq. There comes a time in every two-term President's waning years when he must realize that nothing of significance has happened while he's been in office. Clinton realized this a year or so ago, but he won't get around to bitch-slapping Iraq (in a much larger, sustained fashion than his isolated bombing over the last few years) until February or March. It'll be the really slow economic month of January that will probably push our Prez over the edge.

2. Quentin Tarantino will get bitch-slapped by a real black man sometime soon.

3. The largest grossing movie of 1998 will be the re-make of Godzilla. I hear that lizard bitch-slaps like a real mofo.

4. Bitch-slapping will overtake the current champ of popular martial arts, Tai Kwon Do.

5. The biggest new show on TV for the Fall of 1998 will be a strange mix of action and comedy called, of course, Bitch-Slapper.

6. Running jokes will take the place of character development in movies, causing five heavily promoted movies to all use the phrase "I bitch-slapped that bitch" in several different ways.

7. Whew! Glad that's over. Anyone that says bitch-slap in public will get bitch-slapped.

8. Once the war is over (around mid-May, just in time for the big movie season to kick in), Congress and the President will do a full 180 on their promises for campaign reform and pass a law that says anyone or any company can donate whatever they want to political campaigns. In two years it will cost $250,000 to get a seat on the city council in most mid-sized cities. In the Presidential race of 2000, it will cost three billion dollars to win the election. The winner will pay off the retired cast of "Seinfeld" to regroup for a reunion show sponsored by the candidate's political campaign organization. Nothing will be said about the candidate until the end when Kramer announces, "If you vote for--, the entire cast of 'Friends' will do a show in the nude." The result is a landslide.

9. Perot will form another third party that supports him as a presidential candidate and get his ass bitch-slapped worse than in 1996.

10. Chelsea Clinton will get married in 2001 to a rich guy from Northern California.

Bonus Prediction: The world will not end in the next ten years, causing a lot of grief to the millions who commit suicide in the next few years in an attempt to die before the rest of us. Their families will sue all Christians in the largest class-action suit in history for inaccuracy in creating a calendar used by a large portion of the world.

Bonus Bonus Prediction: The world will end in seventeen years after the final appeal on the Christian class action suit fails, and the world's economy is thrown into chaos from the burden of all the Christians trying to pay off their judgment of 37.5 million billion dollars. While everyone is trying to sort out the mess, five large comets will come from five different directions and decimate the planet. Only one person will be left to say, "I told you so." It won't be me.

Matt Worley predicts he will get laid more in the new year, causing most of his cynical insights to be marred by a large pair of rose-hewed glasses. And he probably won't be bitch-slapping anyone anytime soon.

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