Campaign reform? Champagne chloroform.
by Matt Worley

It's official--for now at least. No special outside investigation of the alleged campaign fundraising evilness by the Prez & Vice Prez. Y'know, they made some calls from the White House (allegedly) and a lot of them were (probably) about asking for money. Because, y'know, campaigns need money. There's all those commercials, Internet sites, faxes, signs, bumper stickers, paid volunteers (huh?), paid personnel, pizza, planes, trains and automobiles, motels, hotels, hookers, spin doctors, long distance phone calls, 250 phone line offices, e-mail, paper, pay-offs, staged speeches, impromptu speeches, stages, security, balloons, public relations, private relations and bulk mailing.

I'm sure there's more. The more money a campaign has, the more ways they can think of to spend it. There's never enough money. And money is what we all need--but especially political campaigns. Because these politicians have to keep their jobs. No one likes getting fired--especially by 270 million individual bosses.

Us individual bosses don't really care, though. Hell, most of us don't even vote when the evaluations come up every few years or so. We'd all like to have a hand in picking our leaders, but there's all that time involved. We have to figure out which guy is bullshitting the most--or which bullshit we agree with more. It's tiresome work. That's why campaigns need money, because they have to get the bullshit out. More money, more bullshit--I think that was what Puff Daddy was saying. And more chances more people will believe the ever-mounting piles of bullshit.

I'm sorry. That was just a little vulgar, wasn't it? Certainly politicians have their jobs solely for our own good. All this extra money isn't to keep a steady stream of cow manure smeared across our TV screens. It's just necessary to properly inform the voters what politicians feel they want to do for us if they get elected. Then they can form a majority of like-minded politicians and try to pass laws (eventually struck down by the Supreme Court) about what we can watch on TV or the Internet. Because it's for our own good.

We don't care. We don't care if the President or the Vice President called rich people to ask for their support. We don't care if those rich people (some of whom may have gotten rich in an unethical--if not illegal--way) got to spend the night in the Lincoln Bedroom. We don't care because it has nothing to do with us. On an everyday basis, it doesn't matter who spends the night at the White House. We don't live there, and we certainly aren't the people the Vice President or President called for money. We're the unwashed and unclean, and the only thing we're good for is a little bit of bitching and maybe punching the lights in a ballot box every few years.

Janet Reno (the Attorney General for those who think she's just a made up skit on Saturday Night Live) says nothing illegal happened. I believe that. Is it illegal to try and keep your job? No. We all have the right to lobby for our jobs. Was it unethical? Sure. But that doesn't matter either. It's the American Way to sell ourselves--as long as we don't sell our sex.

The reason prostitution is illegal, by the way, has nothing to do with ethics. It's to keep the spread of STDs (including AIDS) down. If prostitution was legal, it would still be unethical, but more people would be associated with it. Laws and ethics rarely coincide. It's unethical to run e-mail scams with mass-spamming techniques, but it's not illegal. And it's very lucrative. So are porn sites on the Internet. Put a little sign up telling the minors to go away and everything is cool. "We don't want the kids to see this," in little type, and then have a big banner proclaiming "GET BIG NAKED BREASTS HERE!"

So the President and Vice President want to sell themselves. It's okay. It's legal. Every other candidate for every other office is selling themselves too. Oh sure, many of them start out with good intentions, but those good intentions are quickly discarded when they realize the asses they must kiss for big campaign funds. Because once you get a cush job arguing about how the world should be run, you don't want to leave.

My congressman is Steve Schiff. He's got cancer. He's been fighting cancer for quite a while now (like a year) and the evil tumor once thought gone has now returned. He hasn't voted on our behalf for the entire fight against cancer. Now I have nothing against a person getting treated for a life-ending disease. One of my grandmothers died of cancer; I understand his plight. But Schiff is supposedly representing my interests in Washington. Every time a vote comes up and he doesn't vote, my interests (whether I agree with Steve or not) are not being represented. Steve Schiff should quit, fight the cancer, and if he gets better, he can run for office again. But that's not what is happening. Two reasons. 1. He's got great health benefits being a U.S. Congressman. 2. It's really hard to win against the incumbent because the incumbent has the big money connections. When a politician quits, he's no longer the incumbent, he's unemployed.

So all this talk about campaign reform, campaign fund raising violations and the integrity of Janet Reno is just stupid. Something to argue about on Crossfire. We're not at war (yet) and the economy is great, so they've got to argue about something. But the rest of us in this country don't care, because a whore is a whore. And deep down we really like whores.

Matt Worley had a really nice conversation with a prostitute on South Padre Island, Texas, a few years ago. She started working another guy when she realized Matt had no money.

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