Smoke me
by Matt Worley

The fight isn't finished, but the major battle is over and done with. Not that the War On Tobacco should be looked at in military terms. Of course, very little should be looked at with military terms, but this (other than baseball analogies) is the most popular frame for the people of this country, so I will acquiesce. A couple of days ago Attorney Generals of many states came up with an agreement with the nations leading tobacco companies. No more advertising at sporting events, no more camel cartoons with phallic noses, no more athletically-rugged ash and dust covered cowboys. It has worried many, this agreement. People in this country are so timid about confronting their vices.

One of my coworkers is an avid NASCAR fan. Actually auto racing in general. Before working at the paper, I had no idea anyone really cared about this kind of stuff. I thought the fans at the races were computer generated, but apparently not. The massive amount of advertising this sport tolerates is amazing. There are billboards all around the tracks, stickers and painting all over the cars, patches and embroidery all over the uniforms of racers and pit crew alike (although, befitting his position, the driver gets more). My friend at work was worried the sport would somehow lose too much money when the tobacco companies are forced to stop their advertising and there would be no more exciting Sunday afternoons filled with cars racing around and around and around.

Personally, I've never worried that professional sports would somehow die out forever. This kind of "end of the world" vision many sportswriters like to talk about from time to time is merely just a way to hype sports in a new way. These are all businesses (the sports and the tobacco companies alike), and businessmen are like cockroaches. Once a business makes its initial money from one successful venture, smart businessmen (who understand Darwin's theory) begin to diversify. Obviously buying habits change, and the company's pet rock of the month may somehow become unsellable in a little while. Do you think Blockbuster Corp. is only in the business of renting videos? They own a college football bowl game, for crying out loud. The only businesses these days who have the audacity to think they don't need to diversify are computer companies--because they still feel they are the future of business. Those who have scoffed at Microsoft's side projects (MSNBC in particular) don't seem to understand the business marketplace: those with the most money can buy our love with crappy knock-offs of genius ideas. Oh wait, Keith Olberman just signed with MSNBC--it may get better.

Even this column, which started out as a commentary about the recent tobacco agreement, has twisted and turned into an elementary review of business politics. Maybe I should get back to my point.

During the press conference (led by Mississippi AG Michael Moore) to announce the landmark agreement, it was mentioned that this was a 50 year fight. They've known for 50 years that smoking cigarettes was bad and nicotine is addictive. It's probably been much longer (What was the tip-off guys? All that foul smoke? That the "smooth taste" was really just burning tongue flesh?), but that doesn't really matter.

Fifty years is a long time. Twice the amount of time I've been alive, actually. I've known, since I was old enough to know what cigarettes were, that cigarettes are addictive and nasty. I'd say that's about twenty years of knowledge right there. My question is this: what the hell took so long? Just because a bunch of rich people lie to keep their business going doesn't mean we have to believe them.

Here's my solution (subject to add-on bills and pork tacked on by self-serving politicians): No more advertising for anything addictive in any way. As you may know, all illicit drugs are addictive in some way (psychologically or physically) and there is no advertising keeping those industries going. We've got a War On Drugs raging, and apparently people on drugs are winning (Except the ones that die, but there are always casualties in war. Freakin' light weights.). We should expand the war to everything that is habit-forming and causes way too much TV watching. No more alcohol ads. No more ads for colas with caffeine. Striking the chocolate bars, coffee and tea ads. That era in human history is over!

Sure we'll end up with a bunch of faux chocolate bar, non-alcoholic beer and feminine hygiene ads, but won't we feel much better about our vices when we don't see smiling, happy people consuming them on the TV or in magazines? Make people go out and buy these things on their own without the impetus of slamming beats and former NBA superstars. And with all the money the companies keep from not advertising, they can keep prices low enough for all of us to sample through our own curiosity.

May the best vice win.

Matt Worley was going to talk about the Southern Baptists' boycott of Disney because the company thinks gays and lesbians are real people too, but Matt doesn't believe that Southern Baptists are real people. And why hasn't the Association for Accuracy in History (AAH) boycotted Disney for the company's brutal treatment of historical events in animated film? They all need to relax and have a cigarette. I mean a drink. No wait, how about a caffeine-free, sugar-free, low fat, non-caramel colored, non-carbonated drink. Okay, have a glass of water.

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