One world, united under entertainment
by Matt Worley

While legislatures babble on about certifying or not certifying Mexico (but no matter what, we need to give them money!), the real battle for world supremacy is being waged elsewhere. A vicious battle between superstars and millionaires (many of whom have slept together), art and commerce, animation and animated live action. The common people of the world don't really care what idealistic crusade their leaders might be on, they just want to see Demi Moore's breasts. Or Arnold blasting away some evil, manipulative mastermind criminal genius. Or John Travolta's dancing butt. See, it doesn't really matter if a country is communist or capitalist, in the end everyone all over the world is united through entertainment.

Being the forefathers of the entertainment phenomenon, the United States is poised to finally take over the world in the next twenty years. We decided in 1980 that we'd enough of earnest politicians who sounded like they just got off the farm. We wanted gloss and glamour, and we got Ronald Reagan. Either the best president or worst (depending on who you ask), no one could deny that he looked really good up on that big TV screen. Now we have a relatively young president who tints his hair to look more statesmanlike. Clinton is such a smoothie--he's even done a bit part in a TV movie while in office.

In the end, however, the president will not decide this battle. The world's population will. You thought Independence Day was a patriotic movie? Well, so did the rest of the world. As a matter of fact, the biggest blockbuster of last summer made almost $175 million more overseas than it did here. To be honest, I always liked Demi Moore's original breasts (more realistic, more demure), but the new ones are doing just fine in the rest of the world--Striptease grossed almost triple the U.S. figure of $33 million. I think this says more about U.S. males than anything else--we prefer to watch our smut on video for that personal touch. Even Disney's Hunchback (also starring Demi Moore, but with less nudity) doubled its U.S. gross on the foreign market. Soon the markets will not be separate, all of the world will cozy up between Demi's mammalian protuberances.

Does this theory of entertainment dominance seem shallow and weak? Think about it, who would you rather have leading the world into the 21st century? Even I would pick countless movie stars over any actual leader of government. The movie stars are very honest about how they make their money. They fake it. Politicians fake it, but have to lie to cover everything up because they aren't secure about their own back door dealings. We need a leader who is secure about every part of their lives: their body, their voice, their image, their thoughts and mind. We need someone who can stand naked in front of the world without flinching and tell us, "Come on kids, right through this door here." And we'll follow that bold, naked person into the stars.

Of course, we're not there yet. Many parts of the world find U.S. films shallow, full of stupid dialogue and missing chunks of plot. Don't worry, if we make more and more expensive, explosive movies, those miscreants will come around. They will come to worship the pecks and breasts of American stars. They will realize that a two hour story of blind heroism and pyrotechnics is a metaphor for their pathetic lives. They will revel in the store bought breasts of the New World--because bigger is better. They will understand that to overcome the invading hordes of aliens, the whole world must come together despite racial and language differences. They will understand that Apple computers are really better than IBM because Apple's can crack universal computer code.

Once everyone accepts U.S. film as our new world constitution, we can bring the rest of entertainment along as well. Television all over the world will realize the importance of emergency rooms, coffee shops and New York society. Give or take a few Oasis' albums, U.S. music will fill the minds and hearts of the world. Books will become obsolete and magazines will give the world beautiful pictures and silly sentences about up and coming leaders of the entertainment world. But more important, the Earth will choose its first world leaders--and if we're lucky, we'll get the Super couple: Demi and Bruce. The perfect combination of brain, brawn and breasts.

Matt Worley believes that if we can just look past our individual differences, the world can become one mass market, entertained with liberty and High Resolution Television for all.

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