Money, death & donations
by Matt Worley

Facing a $300,000 slap on the hand for lying, Newt Gingrich announced the fine might be paid by dipping into his campaign funds. Now I really don't feel too sorry for the people who were stupid enough to contribute to Gingrich's campaign (or, in reality, anyone who thought it was a good idea to give any politician money), but is this a legitimate use? Hard working people decided to use their money to help fund Gingrich's rise to power, Newt screws up and his patrons pay for it. I guess the question here is this: Are campaign funds actually a part of Gingrich's salary, entitling him to dip into the fund anytime he's short on cash (for say, dinner or a night on the town), or is it for a specific use (y'know, annoying TV spots)?

In the same spirit, I would like to announce the Matt Worley Life Fund. Anyone can contribute as much money as they want to this fund. The purpose of this fund is to make sure I have enough money to live on. At the moment I am employed, but that could change any day. There might be a time when extra money is needed for a cool CD or videotape. A friend might call up and want to go out for drinks. Money is needed for various reasons, and this fund will help to defray the incidental costs of living my life.

Unfortunately for the contributors, they cannot control what I may buy with the money. And it's not tax deductible either. But if it makes them feel better, watch those commercials with starving children on them, envision my face over one of the emaciated bodies and feel good about the fact that you're funding a middle-class white boy's life. With every contribution over $50, I will write a letter and send a drawing approximating the way I looked when I received your check (signed by yours truly).

Please make checks payable to: Matt Worley. Send them along with any other correspondence to: Matt Worley Life Fund; 1112 San Pedro NE #154, Albuquerque, NM 87110. Please allow four to six weeks for letter and drawing.

Why do we care so much when pretty six-year-olds die in mysterious circumstances? The last few weeks of national and tabloid news have been filled with images of the lovely pre-teen JonBenet. She was brutally murdered in her home in Colorado. Some tabloids printed autopsy photos (and, sick folks thought this was good entertainment), some grocery stores banned the tabloid from their stores. Some newspapers had to run story after story about the incident, even though most stories revealed nothing new about the case. And almost every story had a cute six-year-old in a mug shot to show those who did not understand the importance of the case that they should care, because this was a pretty six-year-old.

Hundreds of six-year-olds die every year (and that number could even extend into the thousands), but many of them are not lucky enough to be rich and pretty and winners of pedophile beauty pageants. Not all of them were lucky enough to get a Tickle-Me Elmo doll for Christmas. Some had the hair munching Cabbage Patch Dolls. And, possibly even more sad, many of them didn't even get a Disney video for Christmas. These stories are not covered with the same reckless abandon as pretty little JonBenet. So I hope this is teaching you folks something about raising your own little six-year-old. Make sure you teach her how to put on make-up as soon as possible and give her tap dance lessons. They'll get the color mug shots and explicit autopsy photos included in the front page story about their death. The rest of us have to settle for a crappy two inch obituary.

Dennis Rodman kicked a photographer in the groin (leg) and received an 11 game suspension plus a $25,000 fine. An eleven-year-old Bulls fan told a sports reporter that Rodman should never be punished for anything he does because he's a cool guy. The young man (not Rodman), who apparently was able to get through his own sixth year without getting killed, obviously knows what he's talking about because he was featured on many sports pages nationwide.

I went into work a week ago with a hangover, and we blew deadline by about twenty minutes. I have yet to get my check for the week, but I'm sure it'll show up soon. I didn't kick anyone in the groin, I swear.

Matt Worley has been having weird dreams during his after-work naps. He works from 6 a.m. to approximately 2:30 p.m. at an afternoon daily newspaper. He hopes the party responsible for his weird dreams will step forward and accept the appropriate punishment.

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