The pick up line
a SUIT column by Chris Jungle

There's something odd about seeing a girl somewhere and thinking "Hey, I'd like to rub up against her." Of course, that's not what guys will admit to, but let's be honest, guys don't walk up to ladies they don't know in search of a really good conversation. But the key to it all is what to say first. What can you possibly say to a women you've never said anything to in your life and make it memorable? I've been researching this topic for the past few days, and I think I've come up with a few pointers.

Don't use tired lines. If you've heard the line in a movie, song, or TV show, it's not a good idea to try them out. This leaves out "Hey good looking, what you got cooking?" "What's a girl like you doing in a place like this?" "Hey, Hooooo, Hey, Hooooo!" and "Let me lick you up and down 'til you say stop. Let me play with your body, baby, and make you feel hot." As much as you'd like to use them, the chance of rejection is great. It's kind of sad because I'm still waiting for the right moment to use a line from the movie Fletch: "Can I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo."

There's also, I'm informed, something wrong with staring at women. They say it makes them feel paranoid. All this time I thought staring was a complement because I was focusing all of my attention on them. A sign of flattery, I assumed. For some reason, be it stalkers or bloodshot-eyed drunks, the ladies don't like the long stare. Quick and frequent glances are acceptable, but do everything slowly and calmly. Nobody likes a jittery eye. Something to do with insanity.

Back to pick up lines, the best thing is to get through it safely and on to actually talking. Most girls don't remember the lines their boyfriends used on them. The only ones they remember are the really, really bad ones from guys they rejected. One lady told me the pick up line she will remember to the grave is "I'm a stockbroker by day, and a gynecologist by night." In case anyone doesn't know, women don't like gynecologist jokes in any form, so keep them out of all pick up lines.

So what works? Therein lies the riddle of the ages. The answer is that no pick up line works. No women will swoon at your feet because of your first sentence to them. If a line seems to work, it's because you're an incredibly beautiful person and you should consider yourself blessed. The purpose of the pick up line is to keep the girl talking to you after the first few words. The longer you have them talking, the better your chances become. A girl you talk to for twenty minutes will probably like you better than the one who talked to you for twenty seconds.

"But Chris," I can hear the masses of lonely, cringing males cry out collectively, "you're just telling us what not to do. How can we parlay your knowledge into dinners, movies, and the eventual rubbing up against the girls we want to meet." Trial and error, my boys, trial and error. What works on one woman may not impress another. A female source which will remain nameless said she thought the line "You look interesting" was a pretty good opening attempt. For one, it's vague. It has the potential of being a complement without going overboard, and it will probably get a response. Of course, she added, that it's all in the way the guy says it. I'll have to discuss proper facial and body movements at another time.

It wouldn't be fair if I didn't throw out my best pick up line to the masses. Heck, you read this far, I might as well throw you a bone. And the line is, was, and ever shall be: "Tell me a story." It's four little words, it's a command (but in an 'I'm interested in you' kind of way), and it's ninety-one percent sure to get a response of some kind. Now a common come back from the women is "I don't know any stories." Don't panic, act like you knew it was coming, and say "Well, then what did you do today?" Listen to what they did during their day no matter how boring or uninteresting it is (think about potential rubbing if you need motivation), and after they're done say "See, that's a story." Hopefully the girl will laugh and at least think it's cute, and you can get a telephone number. And then on to spending money, time, and sanity on keeping the relationship interesting. It doesn't always work, but nothing ever does. Happy hunting everyone. It's a brand new pick up year.

Chris Jungle admits he has the mentality of a eunuch most of the time but still likes a little rubbing now and then.

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