Looking good, with exceptions
a SUIT column by Chris Jungle

One hundred and twenty-five countries just signed a treaty banning the use of anti-personnel land mines. That sounds really good on the surface until you look at some of the nations who refuse to sign the treaty--the United States, Russia, China, Turkey, Iraq, Iran, India, Pakistan, Israel, Egypt, North and South Korea, Vietnam, and Libya. Call me a skeptic, but that list seems to include most of the countries that put land mines all over the globe in the first place. It's not that the treaty doesn't have the best of intentions--I personally am not fond of people losing limbs and lives for doing nothing but walking--but what this treaty shows is who the bad boys are.

The United States, of course, says it will be more than willing (we're always more than willing) to sign the treaty if it could be allowed an exemption to continue to mine the Korean border to protect its troops. In other words, the US wants to look good and still continue to do whatever it wants. If the treaty makers agree to the US terms, they will lose what little clout they have on the subject.

Let me take you through an example of losing respectability. Back in high school, the school had a sign up sheet for those who promised not to drink on prom night. They let anyone and everyone sign the list, but there was no way to enforce its effectiveness. As a result, the list got filled by both drinkers and non-drinkers, and those who wanted to drink that night still did regardless of their pledges. If the United States was asked to sign the drug-free prom list, I'm sure they would say they would be more than willing to sign the list if they could continue to drink alcohol at a certain hangout just outside of town.

Most people want to look good even if they have no intention of actually being honest. George Steinbrenner still wants to look caring. Cold blooded killers plead their innocence and wear snappy coats and ties to court. Jimmy Swaggart is still trying to convince us he's pure at heart. Texaco has commercials that attempt to make drilling huge holes in the Earth look appealing and good for all of us. Colombian drug dealers spend millions to rebuild towns, and I, myself, will put on a smile just to please those around me even though I'd rather be zoning inside my thought-flooded brain.

Who knows? Maybe the 125 countries will let everybody sign and give them all exemptions for certain areas. If that works, I think I'll make a few pledges of my own with exceptions. I'll be one of the best Christians in the world as long as they don't make me believe the Bible is real. I'll be drug free for the rest of my life as long as I can take whatever I want in my free time. I promise never to visit adult bookstores or strip joints except in moments of weakness. I swear I won't make fun of my government, country, or the people within its borders unless they do something meriting taunts and ridicule. And most of all, I vow to be the best example of a human being past, present, or future if everyone will promise to ignore all of the immoral acts I commit.

Maybe all we, as the human race, need to do is decide what the good things in the world are. We don't have to follow the good path, but as long as we say we want to, then that's really enough. I mean, is there any real difference between saying you'll be good and actually being good? Or is it like Fernando said, "It's better to look good than to feel good." Unfortunately for all of the people who walked along a dusty road and were suddenly blown into the air with at least one limb no longer attached correctly, they don't even look good. I guess we can tell them we meant those mines for tanks and the evil militaries of other countries, and we would be more than willing to supply them with the finest crutches money can buy.

Chris Jungle refuses to sign a treaty that bans all the world's suffering citing he wants to be allowed to squash any and all crickets and cockroaches that enter his room.

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