The wacky 105th
a SUIT column by Chris Jungle

The 105th Congress ended last week, but before we bid a fond farewell to them as they truck off to their two-month vacation, let's look at one of their final acts. It pretty much sums up the strangeness going on in the Capitol building this year. With a big storm brewing over Iraq, the United States has been petting the United Nations like it's their favorite puppy dog. The government wants the Security Council to help fix the infractions, and if Iraq has to have their ass kicked, the United States wants it to be an official UN ass kicking. Senator Trent Lott said Congress is ready to give the President the A-OK to use any and all big, nasty, boom bombs to resolve the situation. Then somebody in the White House thought "Hey, maybe we should pay the billions we owe in dues to the UN." That's when the 105th stepped in.

The mighty 105th put a bill on the floor pledging to pay the UN and the International Monetary Fund all past dues, but the bill got hung up because of anti-abortion legislation tacked on to the bill. That's right. According to Congress, nothing could be more interrelated than paying dues to international organizations and abortion.

Of course. It makes perfect sense. I can't believe I didn't see it before. Maybe this is why those Senators make six-figure salaries because they can put two seemingly different topics on the same bill. Now, I've combined a few unlikely things in my time. In college, I made a peanut butter-tuna concoction for dinner, but mostly because they were the only kinds of food available. I've listened to Broadway musicals while reading the Bible, rubbed my belly while watching public access, and shouted "Most of us live in the shadows with the mold and pestilence," while operating the do-it-yourself blood pressure machine at Wal-mart. Of course, I'm a mere amateur compared to the 105th.

Maybe there's a hidden connection I'm missing. Maybe the leaders of our government are trying to tell us something by combining abortion and paying dues to the UN. The UN is about bringing all of the nations of the world together to discuss issues instead of severing ties. Severing ties? We can't sever ties. We can't sever any ties. Severing ties equals abortions. We dont want abortions. Put it on the bill.

Let's look at it from the other end. Opposing abortion means women who get pregnant have to take responsibility for their actions and bring the child to term regardless of any mitigating circumstances. They must pay their dues. Pay their dues? Hey, that brings us right back to the UN deal. Well, I'll be a son of a coon dog. It's all starting to make sense.

Now that I've figured out why the 105th put these two topics together, I'm still stumped on why it didn't pass. Did Congress want ties to be severed or not want to pay their dues? I seem to be trapped between my metaphors at the moment.

Since we're still not paying our dues to the UN, why are we so insistent that our warlike actions include their big blue flags and helmets? Why are we asking them to do the leg work when we don't even take care of our responsibilities. Should scouts who don't pay their dues ask the Boy Scouts of America to solve their problems? Will the New Yorker continue to send me their magazine even though I'm not going to pay for it any more? Do landlords let their tenants stay if the roommates in question vote down a bill to pay the rent because of the strained issue of how long the mayonnaise has been sitting in the refrigerator?

Maybe the whole thing was a joke. A little good-bye joke from those crazy guys and gals who were part of the 105th. If that's the case, then I'll be the first person to say "Good one." Come to think of it, they are a funny bunch of folks. Why, I bet they did just want to give us all one more good laugh before they went off into the sunset. Thanks folks, it was fun, it was crazy, and yes, it was wacky. Have a great vacation. Who knows what will happen with the 106th?

Chris Jungle teaches a twelve step program called "Rationalizing the Irrational." Classes are filling quickly, so sign up today.

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