Campaign finance irrelevance
a SUIT column by Chris Jungle

There are some issues that I wish would just go away. These issues may have merited a couple weeks of discussion, and some fine-tuning could've been done to resolve any ambiguous questions. Unfortunately, the non-important sometimes get blown into national media coverage. Every day or two, I see video tape footage of the president sitting at a banquet table looking uninterested in everyone around him. Or Fred Thompson pounding his fist and demanding that the White House quit hiding information. Or brief histories on rich, foreign religious and business people. That's right, it's another random babble about campaign finance reform, but you know what, I don't really care about it.

I don't care because the hearings, investigations, and pundits are all focusing on the wrong points. They all whine that the President and Vice President made calls from the White House concerning contributions, or that funds meant for the Democratic Party actually went to television ads for the President's re-election, and that rich foreign interests are influencing our politics. Big whoop. Big scandal. Big nothing.

The real issue, as far as I'm concerned, is the same issue that's been plaguing politics in this country for decades: the rich are controlling everything. I know it's not a shocking development, but it should be pointed out nonetheless. Apparently a dinner with the President costs around $300,000. This price tag leaves out a lot of concerns that people in the lower tax brackets have. People who can afford to pay six figures for dinner most likely chat about legislation concerning big business. I've never heard any rich folks go up to the president and say "Hey, I just contributed to several thousand dollars to the Democratic Party, and I have some ideas about how to help out the poor, hungry, and unintelligent in the country." I guess if people really cared about the less fortunate, they would've gave the money to humane projects instead of a political party's coffers.

They say Al Gore made calls from the White House concerning campaign contributions, and the President can't recall if he did or not. Since when was making calls about getting funding from the office where you work illegal? Do lobbyists have to be out of their office when asking people to donate money to their cause? The Republicans complained about the President using the White House to solicit funds giving them an unfair advantage. Of course it's an unfair advantage! Being the incumbent is an unfair advantage. Being attractive is an unfair advantage along with being rich, smart and connected.

The long and short of the whole campaign finance scandal is that nothing is going to happen to Clinton because of this. You can't mess with a popular president. Reagan had Iran-Contra, and it bounced off him like bullets off the chest of Superman. Ever since Nixon though, Congress has tried to be the next Woodward and Bernstein by digging up dirt for the next impeachment. I would prefer if Congress would just stick to what it knows best: giving itself raises and filibustering.

The issue of campaign finance wouldn't even be a discussion if we as a nation had something better to do, but there's no war (save the mighty mighty drug war), no international crisis, a solid economy, and no major civil disorder. So we have decided to start nit-picking about when, where, and who campaign funds are coming from. Well, here's the big news flash, the money is coming all of the time, from every part of the globe, from people more wealthy than I have ever had the chance to touch with my filthy hands. My mom always said don't talk to strangers, but I guess she wouldn't have minded if they were rich strangers.

So enough already with all the campaign finance reform. When the Republicans get a president again (and they will, you watch), they'll do the same thing. Maybe they'll get caught, and maybe they won't. Both parties will continue to take money from the overly rich and give them favorable consideration when creating new laws and regulations. While the parties are pointing their fingers at each other saying each is as bad as the other, the rest of us will be earning our meager paychecks, venting our daily frustrations, and trying to entertain ourselves until we die. All without contributing a dime to either party.

Chris Jungle can be taken to dinner for $30. He also does "special services," but it will cost extra.

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