It's all speed to me
a SUIT column by Chris Jungle

Fen-phen is going off the market, and people are starting to panic. Overweight folks are threatening to take road trips to Canada, stock up, and sell the drugs black market style. Well, calm down a moment, my give-me-a-drug-so-I-don't-have-to-follow-the-dreaded-eat-less-and-exercise-more brethren. Let's talk about a weight loss plan that has been around for a long time and uses so many over and under the counter drugs, it would be impossible to condemn the plan.

It starts with using a peppy little drug called ephedrine. Ephedrine and its even more artificially-created relative, pseudo-ephedrine, are found in Sudafed, No-Doz, and Mini-Thins. All of which are legal and either help you stay awake, control asthma, or lose your appetite. The ephedrine family is also famous for being the precursor drugs for more potent and popular illegal drugs like methamphetamine and methcathinone. The less technical terms for those lovely items are speed and cat, so don't feel you need to learn those big words. Cookers for the illegal drugs have been known to use Sudafed pills to get necessary amounts of the ephedrine compound. The affect of ephedrine in layman's terms is that it speeds up the central nervous system, pushes the heart to work harder, speeds up the body, opens the eyes, and causes the stomach to get so busy it isn't even concerned with hunger.

If these fen-phen folks don't think dying from heart trauma is a serious deterrent, then they shouldn't mind the dangers of taking too much ephedrine. Some of the side effects are insomnia, depression, fatigue, and extreme use can cause delusions similar to paranoid schizophrenics. Heavy doses of ephedrine can cause head trauma and death, but the pounds will just drip away as the body burns all that fat to keep the nervous system running on high. Besides, side effects usually just happen to the people who don't want to be thin bad enough.

Think of ephedrine as the fast track to burning fat. Who really wants to go through the tedious process of changing their diet, learning how to exercise, and naturally put the body back into a healthy range of weight. Pop a few pills, get the juices flowing on high octane medicine, and wait for the heart to start pounding faster. Make the organs work for you, I say. Sure, you'll probably get the shakes and lose a little bit of muscle control, but it's all in the name of obtaining the thin, svelte body we all deserve.

Once a thin body is obtained through the wonders of ephedrine, there are a few easy over-the-counter ways to stay thin. I don't recommend staying on ephedrine because that can lead to overkill. The goal of this thinness plan is to get people thin fast and easy, but not to shrivel them into raisins. Once the speed has caused the body to lose the correct amount of weight, I suggest switching to the wonderful, society tested, never fail combination of smoking cigarettes plus a heavy caffeine intake through soda, coffee, or tea. The caffeine will keep the body working at a higher rate and the nicotine in cigarettes will suppress the appetite as long as you keep smoking at a good, solid rate.

Those with a little extra money might want to try cocaine or crack. Not only will these drugs suppress appetite but they'll even give a mental high to go along with it. As long as you keep using the drugs, I guarantee the pounds will stay off, and you'll feel good about yourself. Better than you ever thought you should feel about your existence. You'll probably come down hard from the high, but when you feel blue, just think about all the weight you don't have.

So go out and walk (don't run) to the nearest grocery store, convenience store, truck stop, dark alley, dance club, playground, or dealer (whoever you feel comfortable with) and pick up anything with ephedrine in it. Once you start on the road to losing weight through the wonders of over- and under-the-counter medication, you'll agree it's hard to stop. If something tragic happens along the way like permanent heart damage, schizophrenic episodes, psychological addictions, loss of muscle use, or death, just remember it was all in the name of the noblest of noble causes: the society-mandated thin existence. All the tools are out there and available for everyones's use without treacherous trips to Canada. Together, we can make this country the skinny world we all want it to be. One drug at a time.

Chris Jungle hasn't heard back from the infomercial job where he would pitch a new wonder drug called Dream, but he said the audition went very well.

return to the Shut up, I'm talking page
return to the LIES home page
return to the A&A home page