The pubic talk
a SUIT column by Chris Jungle

This week I had my first (or virgin) sexual harassment in-service training, and the idea was, of course, to eliminate sexual harassment in the work place. Everyone will be happy to know that all employees had to take the training, and I wasn't singled out for any specific actions. The truth is that I'm a pretty laid back employee, and any extraneous effort usually doesn't show up in my work schedule. One thing that is definitely true is that sexually harassing someone takes a lot of effort for no good reason.

I went into the training with a positive attitude and even wondering if I somehow was doing or saying things that would be constituted as in the sexual harassment realm. I soon learned the whole training was very basic and non-enlightening. We watched a video showing some cases of possible sexual harassment, and they were all pretty blatant. One of the scenarios showed a guy commenting how much bigger a fellow female employee's breasts were. I've honestly never thought about asking a coworker if and why her breasts appear bigger to me. I won't say I've always averted my eyes when women wear attractive outfits and sometimes their breasts are highlighted. It just never occurred to me that I should make breast jokes when I noticed them.

I left the hour and a half training (which I earned about ten dollars for attending) pretty sure I wasn't even close to sexually harassing anyone. The main part of accusing someone of sexual harassment is the harassment part. If everyone involved has no problem with the conversation topic, then there is no harassment even if sexual jokes were made. But, that's just part of learning what coworkers are comfortable with talking about in general. I don't go into work and talk about religion, drug control policies, or the best way to eat tuna fish. Mainly because I have some unpopular opinions on the subjects, and there's no sense upsetting people I have to work with when all that will be accomplished is a lot of anger, plus ample amounts of posturing and defending. Like I said, I'm a pretty laid back employee. Arguments just make the days go by slower.

I could be a sexual harasser, but I don't feel I should use sex as some sort of power trip. It's not because I'm unable to think of vulgar things to say. In fact, I've been accused of taking jokes to a disgusting end (but for legal purposes, I must include that no one was offended). I can make jokes about semen dripping off walls, pubic hair stuck in fingernails, and bodies that humble men to the point of drooling. I could be as sick as most of the guys and gals who have gone to court over creating an unsafe workplaces through their sexual comments and behavior.

People may wonder why sexual harassment occurs and how we could rid ourselves from its nasty humiliation, but unfortunately, it's here to stay. I first saw sexual harassment at the very place I learned all the bad words: the playground at recess. Every Friday was called Flip-up Friday, and little boys would flip up the dress of any girl fool enough to wear them on Fridays (for legal purposes, I was caught doing this behavior and have already served my time by sitting up against the school wall). Was that sexual harassment? Yes. The girls were always embarrassed, and it probably bothered them for the rest of the day. Was it immature? Yes. My defense is that I was ten and pretty immature.

The problem is that some guys grow up and are still flipping up girls dresses. There's so many dress flippers that some girls are now unzipping boys zippers. There's so much of this that they make books and movies and lunch pails about sexual harassment from both men and women. There's so much sexual harassment that I had to get up early to go to work and sit through an hour and a half of learning that it is improper to yell cat calls to the pretty women who don't like me. At least there wasn't a test.

It seems the more advanced we get as a species, the more childish we get. I'm childish in many ways. I watch cartoons, eat ding dongs, ride my bike, and refuse to devote the bulk of my energy to a job I don't like. I've grown in some ways too. I don't wet the bed, I pay my rent and utility bills, I don't pick my nose in public, and I don't flip up girls skirts. Even on Friday.

Chris Jungle is still trying to figure out the best way to say harassment.

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