The hip, hip, hip, new recreational drug
a SUIT column by Chris Jungle

Let's face it. The kids need something new to anger their parents who still deny their drug using past ever existed. Methamphetamine is just too darned expensive, marijuana is getting more bunk by the day, cocaine and crack are too quick, too jumpy, and too jumpy. Acid today is a distant third cousin to the LSD-25 hay day. It's time for something different, something cool, and most importantly--something free.

Drugs (in layman's terms) just put the chemicals in the body out of whack either by injecting fluid into the blood stream, inhaling smoke which goes through the lungs, or sniffing powder that rubs nerve centers. What if I told you there was a way to mess with your body without all of these expensive and potentially dangerous substances? Sound to good to be true? Well, hold on to your blow tube because I've got the cure for your substance abuse blues.

It turns out that the body has something called a sleep cycle, and every fourteen or sixteen hours, the body attempts to rest to relax and regenerate itself. I know, you're saying, "But Chris, what does this so-called sleep cycle have to do with me wanting to take drugs to numb the excruciating, monotonous, and redundant pain that comes with everyday life." Well, hold on there a minute. I'm just getting started. You see, if this sleep cycle is not followed, the body will begin to function improperly. The mind will start to misinterpret the data the body is giving it, and after twenty-four to twenty-eight hours without the sleep cycle, any individual will be able to classify themselves as "all messed up."

Think of it. By this time tomorrow, you could be seeing things in your peripheral vision that aren't really there, practically floating every time you take a step, and all your words would get combined into a jumbled goo no one can quite interpret. All by obliterating this sleep cycle. And all of it can be obtained without dollar one coming out of your pocket.

What's that? You're worried that society might shun you if you go without sleep, much like it does with other kinds of narcotics users? Well, worry no more. Because society actually encourages those who do not sleep. Work a double shift at work. Heck, make it a triple. You'll be working the first half and tripping the second. And the kicker is you'll get paid for all of it. If your employer suspects drug use, demand that you be given a drug screen. You'll be as clean as a spanking new whistle because you haven't added any chemicals to your body. You've just lost a few.

Need a few role models to be a lack-of-sleep (LOS as it is known on the streets) junkie. How about the President of the United States? That guy sometimes goes days without sleep. You can tell when he puts his hand out in a waiving manner as if to demonstrate something, but there's nothing to demonstrate. Yeah, he's a LOS junkie supreme.

Of course, it would be negligent on my part if I didn't mention the inevitable side effects to LOS. Short term effects are dizziness, mumbling, motor skills malfunction, and sleepiness. Hard core use can cause insomnia, bitchiness, rambling on about how the supreme being was a carefully structured concept by the ancient Egyptians to make the slaves believe that if they worked themselves to the point of exhaustion every day of their lives that they would get to hang out with cool kids in the afterlife, and increased acne. There have been a few cases that were considered to be comas, but it turned out to just be a lot of catching up on sleep.

Sure, LOS junkies don't live as long as everybody else, but they get to do more. Think more, drink more, date more, work more, spend more, hate more, complain about taxes more, lie more, cheat more, steal more, fly more, drive more, eat more, and fight more. Think of it as compacting life into a full story that is a fast, action packed ninety minute flick instead of a drawn out three hour epic that may have won critical acclaim, but was really tedious at times. Wouldn't you rather be Batman than Gandhi? I'm talking the Keaton-type Batman who gets to hang out with Kim Basinger and Michelle Pfieffer now. I mean, do you think Gandhi enjoyed having sex while he was fasting? Of course, fasting can make you kind of trippy too, but that's not what I'm selling today.

So give LOS a go. It's free, it's trippy, it's legal, and most important, the hip, hip, hip people are doing it. So jump on the bandwagon, catch the wave, get on the bus, dance to the beat, get up with what's down, get hot with what's cool, get wild, get crazy, get over the edge, turn it up, slow it down, jerk it off, rub it good, find the spot, watch the goo, and what ever other slogan makes you do the radical things you do. Besides, you can catch up on all the lost sleep after you're dead.

Chris Jungle has been seen wandering around Albuquerque at all hours of the day repeatedly shouting the phrase "My eyes are wide open, baby!"

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