Going nowhere with a lot of noise
a SUIT (monologue) column by Chris Jungle

SETTING: Living Room, only light is the glowing television. Three empty beers rest by the La-Z-Boy where ALEX sits with another beer in his hand.

ALEX: (yelling at television) So what if stocks dropped all week. Let 'em drop. Let it crash. I don't own one share of anything, and I ain't never going to. Let all those investors sweat. We need to make those investors sweat more. You know what I'm saying. It's just like the UPS thing you keep bringing up. Make them big business people sweat. I don't believe that crap about going to lay off 15,000 workers when the strike is over. It's not like UPS is broke. They're just not making any money, and there's a difference between a company that is broke and a company that's just not making any money.

Oh, what's new with the Mir today. Man, that's looking more and more like a run down club house everyday. I know those guys aren't doing nothing but getting high on that zero gravity. That's why there's so many people trying to be astronauts and go into space. So they can live life without the pressures of gravity. So the American tax payer, a.k.a. me, is flipping millions of dollars so these high class Americans and Russians can go get high off floating in space. Just look at those cheesy space grins and that hair floating everywhere. Man, those space drugs must be something.

They're getting loaded in space, and I can't even get marijuana for medicinal purposes on the planet. I have a severe case tennis elbow, you know. I don't even play tennis--that's how bad it is. When a disease sneaks up on you and you don't even know why you got it, what are you supposed to do? Give us some marijuana, that's what. Who cares if it's a placebo? It's a comfortable placebo. And there's a lot to be said about just thinking you're better than you really are. Doctors always wanting proof of injury or illness. Isn't feeling ill being ill? How can you feel ill but actually be well? Tell me that, television.

Just give me some of that medicinal marijuana, and you'll have no trouble out of me. You won't see me shooting people at Ruby Ridge. I won't make the government pull a few strings so me and my FBI buddies won't have to stand trial for shooting first and asking questions about who got the best shot off later. If I get the marijuana, you won't see me helping blow up any federal buildings and whine about my government appointed lawyer, or the venue of the trial, or blame everyone but myself for the actions I did. No sir, it's all petty acts by petty men.

And what's this about a lady getting $300,000 for seeing a college quarterback's rear end. Lord, I've shown my behind to many a folk--sometimes intentionally and sometimes not--but no one got any money out of the ordeal. They show butts on TV for free, and the lady somehow thinks she should get a nest egg for it. I think I need to get my ass appraised and find out how much it'll cost me to have an art exhibition with it. Why do you tell me stuff like this?

Like these hikers. Okay, I think the first couple days you had me thinking about them, and I'll admit I was a little intrigued. I used to hike, well, I hiked once, and I can relate to being swept away by a flash flood. That one time I hiked the clouds rolled over like it might rain, and even though it didn't, I had to deal with anguish that it might. But now they're all found and dead. How long do you want us to think about the dead. They're not thinking about us. It's all so depressing.

Why are you doing this to me? I work, I pay my bills. Well, that credit company's trying to screw me, but I haven't figured out how they're doing it yet. But do I deserve this every night? Strikes, stocks falling, space stations crumbling, hikers drowning, FBI men getting off scott free, people receiving thousands of dollars for seeing a naked man, and to top it all off, I can't get a prescription for pot. Well I'm just going to sit here and wait for you to tell me something positive.

ALEX sits quietly for ten minutes as the television glows and talks. He finishes his fourth beer.

ALEX: Hey, the Dodgers won. Only a game and half out of first. See, TV, I knew you could do it if you really put your mind to it. What's that? Oh, you know I love you.

Chris Jungle informs the beliefs of ALEX do not necessarily reflect the views of the writer or any of LCN Syndicate, but he does regularly describe his character as a beautiful fool.

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