Lack of news interest
a SUIT column by Chris Jungle

It could be the summer burnout, but nothing in the news seems to be sparking any opinionated prowess in my mind. Weeks have gone by, and the news is starting to become a blend of redundant mush. Floods are going on somewhere, bombs are going off in the Middle East, Jesse Helms is throwing his weight around, both major political parties are taking money from questionable characters, the current tax plan is the best tax plan ever, and a whole lot of other stuff I've heard before.

It's not like there needs to be more destruction just to appease the news reading public, but stories considered news worthy are lacking the flair needed for poignant opinionated discussions. Maybe it's the sign of a good economy that all the news has the consistency of warm Jello, and if that's the case, I'll grin and bear it. If not, here's a few suggestions on how to make the papers worth reading.

I've been noticing that all articles dealing with religion are fit neatly into the Religion section which appears once a week in my newspaper. I wouldn't mind an investigative, arbitrary report on all the major religions. Explain the lives of Muslims in the United States, and Buddhists, and Jews, and Catholics, and Baptists, and Methodists, and Branch Dividians, and Heaven's gate folks. Newspapers could slap the stories in the lifestyles section because anyone who focuses on religion definitely allows it to dictate their lifestyle. And darn it if the pieces might get a few people who believe in nothing to believe in something.

And what about some good gang articles. Not the just-the-after-the-bloodbath-at-the-7-eleven-aren't-gangs-terrible stories, but some more in depth pieces about why kids go into gangs, stay in gangs, and live a life that way. I've heard people say pieces like that would just give the gangs press, which is what they want. But gangs exist and are newsworthy, so it should be in the paper. In some ways, political parties are just gangs who use the press to make their points. They just happen to be a little less violent.

What about local businesses? The ones that are too poor to actually advertise in the major papers, but bring flavor and culture to certain parts of the city. The news has power to influence consumers, but why should only large corporations get press because they can afford to buy it? Most papers have a business section, so why not have a small business section. I know without major advertising newspapers wouldn't exist, but without local businesses, cities are just strip malls and Subway sandwich shops.

These are all just ideas to spruce up the doldrums being found in the newspapers, but just in case people aren't interested in those ideas, I'll give you the quick opinions on the stories papers are running now a days:

Jesse Helms is a stubborn old man who has been in politics a long time and built up enough power to single-handedly approve or disapprove a candidate for several positions. Sorry, Weld. You're on the wrong list. There's nothing you can do about it except take that vacation you couldn't get around to taking while you were governor.

Floods, hurricanes, and tornadoes come every year. That's why they call it hurricane season, flood season, and tornado season. That's the big hint that it comes every year. If you live on the coasts, you take the risk of being hit by a hurricane. In the plains, people risk tornadoes. In cities by rivers, there could be floods. People live on fault lines, too. The earth is full of potential booby traps, and it's just one of the risks we take by living on this planet.

The tax deal is done. Enough already. Let's see stories on taxes after the new year when it 's actually tax time. The way I'm going, I won't make enough for it to matter who's getting all the breaks because I won't make enough to have to pay any taxes.

Israelis and Palestinians hate each other. They hate each other for no good reason. There is a very good chance they will fight each other until the Gaza strip is nothing but a charred crater, and they will still fight over it. The United States cares because we put weapons in Israel, and our foot has been stuck in there for decades. If it was just two enemies fighting each other, the bloody events would be much less newsworthy. Does anyone remember much from the Iran-Iraq war?

And that's my lackluster opinion what the newspapers are talking about right now.

Chris Jungle will try to be motivated to give entertaining columns in the future, and not make every situation seem as simplistic as an addition equation.

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