My Michael Jordan pitches a product
a SUIT column by Chris Jungle

He's done it again. Countless hours have I spent pondering his words and actions--and I thought I'd put enough of my 'free time' hours into his concepts. How wrong I was. Much like the hours I spent lying on my bed considering whether I was the only real person and everyone else were robots just seeing what my reaction would be to them, or when I questioned whether I intentionally ignored things I was good at because they were easy and instead focused on talents I do not possess, or the summer month I contemplated the existance of a company like RAMJAC that controls a fifth of the worlds profits, Kurt Vonnegut has got me thinking again.

Let me set it up for you. I was watching CNN Headline News in a pretty positive mood, mainly because Chuck Roberts was telling the news to me. Chuck is far and away the finest anchor they have with his witty, yet forceless, ad-libbing on the days top stories. Then during a commercial break, I saw Kurt Vonnegut, and I thought "What's he doing on my television screen?" There was actually a two second period when I truly believed I had passed into a higher realm in which Kurt Vonnegut would speak to me through the my television set and give advice. I would've ignored any Son of Sam type of advise he'd give me, but I figured I could, at least, get him to proofread my short stories. It a was a blissful two seconds.

The moment came crashing down when the TV said to me "What does Kurt Vonnegut put on his Discover Card?" This was not the advice I was waiting to hear. It turned out the vision on my screen was just a continuation of the Discover Card's ad campaign to show famous people and what they use their Discover Card for. Mr. Vonnegut uses his Discover card to buy paint and books. Makes sense to me, but I don't really care. I use my credit card (it's a Master Card) to pay for gas and Internet fees.

What's weird is that the advertisement should've worked on me. While I haven't read every Vonnegut novel, I think eight qualifies me to be in the category of "An Admirer of His Writing." I'm pretty much interested in what the man usually has to say, but I'm not going to go out and get a Discover Card. If Kurt can't sell me a credit card, I don't know who could.

Have I become immune to the actual purpose of commercials? I'll admit that there are commercials I'd rather watch than others, and that I buy some things that are advertised nationally. I don't buy the items because of their spokesperson, or their jingle, or their flashy presentation. I drink Mountain Dew because it has a high caffeine, high sugar content which I've become addicted to, and not because I want to snowboard off a cliff or bungee jump off a bridge. I own a Ford Escort because it was the cheapest car on the lot and had low mileage, not because I hadn't driven a Ford lately. I have credit card because it's good for emergencies, not because someone else uses one.

I'm not mad at Vonnegut for doing the commercial. If a company wants to give him money for nothing, more power to him. Besides, I'd already seen him do movie cameos. I'm not mad at Discover Card for trying either. If any spokesperson should be able to influence what credit card I use, Kurt Vonnegut is the one.

It's sort of sad, though, because I remember when slogans and spokespeople worked for me. I can still remember running around at the budding age of sixteen with a can of Keystone saying "It's bottled beer in can. Wouldn't that be great?" Beautiful girls used to tell me to use Stridex, and intensely gorgeous women are still trying to get me to drink Pepsi all of the time. I don't know when it all stopped working, but it did. Maybe it happened when I sat up one night thinking how cool it would've been if Howard W. Campbell really was an American patriot sending coded information to the allies during his Nazi broadcasts. Yeah, I think Vonnegut made me think too much about everything. An everything that includes the true nature of advertising.

Chris Jungle just signed on as Chuck Robert's agent and reminds everyone to watch him on CNN Headline News because He's That Damn Good.

return to the Shut up, I'm talking page
return to the LIES home page
return to the A&A home page