A lesson in ethics and such
a column by Chris Jungle

A couple of months ago, I forgot to pay my credit card bill on time. I understand that it is the responsibility of every card holder to pay his or her bills on time, and it even borders on being unethical not to do it. Since I missed the payment deadline by four days, the company decided to fine me twenty dollars for being delinquent with my payment, and I, wanting to uphold the integrity of credit cards and all credit card services, accepted their judgment and will pay back the fine in full.

There is a problem, though. Any women I date refuses to have the fine affect their life in any way, and twenty bucks out of my pocket is twenty bucks they'll never see. I've told these ladies that dating me means they have to deal with all of ethical judgments which befall me. Granted, these girls aren't married to me (if they were, I could get them on the 'richer or poorer' clause), but they shouldn't be free from problems when I'm the one in monetary trouble. I'd really hate to find out a woman was seeing me just because of the potential fame and money I might receive when I write (with a ghost writer) my heart gripping autobiography. I'm torn between the titles On Being Jungle and Miracle Worker: The Story of One Man's Rise to the Top Without Calling On the Forces of Good or Evil.

No matter how shallow the girls I see are, there's no getting around the fact that they don't want me to pay the credit card company out of my own pocket. If I don't pay them not only will the company continue to fine me, but it will also burden the rest of the credit card community. Even more, I've found that several people who own credit cards are also tax payers, and there's no excuse for putting another burden on the tax payers. So, I need to come up with a way to pay the fine without paying it out of my own pocket and still keep the burden off the tax payers. My image has already been tarnished to the point to where I will not asked to be Andy Rooney's successor on 60 Minutes. If I stop the bleeding now, I might still be able to overtake Dave Berry in the columnists' poll some day.

The most logical course of action would be to get a loan. I could go to a bank and ask for a twenty spot, but banks are so particular with interest and payment on time. That's what got me into trouble in the first place. Plus there's that thing they do where if I want twenty dollars, they're going to want $22.50 in return. It's like I'm losing twice that way.

If I just had a rich friend, one that could spot me the money and not complain about not getting paid back for awhile or even ever. Yeah, twenty dollars to the rich barely phases their consciousness, and moreover, it would help build up any tarnished image they may have of themselves. Headlines would read "Drug Trafficker Turns Out to have Heart of Gold, Aids Jungle," or "Philip Morris Revitalizes Jungle, Offers Him Joe Camel Job." It could really be a win-win situation.

Luckily, I have a friend who is more than willing to give the twenty dollars I so desperately need (but won't pay out of my own account). This friend just lost his bid for student body president at the local university and thinks this might help boost his public persona. He told me his post-electoral image can be just as important as during his campaign and kept citing Michael Dukakis as a reference for post-election hell. This sounds like an even better win-win situation. The great thing is that I don't have to give him the twenty bucks back until after the new millennium is in full swing. By that time, maybe the public, my loaner, and my girlfriends will have forgotten all about the fact that I was unethical.

Of course, I would have paid the fine in a more wholesome way if it wasn't for all of those other factors I've had to deal with. Fortunately, no one seemed to have a problem with my plan. It's kind of funny that even though I was fined for being unethical, I'm allowed to be just as unethical in the process of figuring out how not to pay it personally. Isn't it kind of funny?

Chris Jungle is counting on Judgment Day occurring in the next four years and thus never have to repay his debts to anyone.

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