Moving to Europa soon
a column by Chris Jungle

Every time this world slams a door in my face, it seems like another glimmer of hope pops up to save me. This time, however, the new chance of the good life is not on this world at all, but a mere half solar system away. Yes, it turns out one of the moons of Jupiter (named Europa) just might have a huge ocean under its ice. The next logical assumption is that if there is an ocean, underwater ocean life is likely as well.

I'm not waiting for conformation. I've booked myself on the next shuttle going that way because I can smell a gold mine light years away even if it actually smells like salt water. This new opportunity has brought out my true calling in life--to be a frontiersman. Throughout my life, I kept thinking I was born in the wrong time or place, believing I had a calling that had been defunct for centuries. People with tendencies toward being a blacksmith, sword fighter, pirate, town crier, or subsistence farmer know what I'm talking about. We all thought our natural talents and gifts were going to waste. Sure, a modern day blacksmith could work in a steel factory or a town crier could be a radio DJ, but it's not really the same thing, is it?

With a new world, we can all get new starts. We can live off the land, or ice, or whatever is out there. The key to all of it is getting there before the companies do. I'm sure there will be a major land rush and the prime spots will be taken in the blink of an eye. Chances are that Wal-mart and Sears will wait until there's a sufficient amount of people on Europa to start plopping down stores, and by that time, they'll have to buy the good location spots from the people who got there first. And mainly, that will be me.

Not only was I meant to a frontiersman, but I was also have tendencies to be a shrewd land grabber. On Earth, I never had the opportunity to get free land which would later turn an immense profit. On the new planet, I wouldn't need money or the morals of a con artist. All I would have to do is put a stick in the ground, or ice, or whatever and say with a loud, boisterous voice "I, Chris Jungle, son of Sam, claim this plot in the name of all explorers everywhere who have been trapped in day jobs eking out a living because there was no more undiscovered country on the world of their birth."

I think I'll pick a spot that regularly gets good shots of both the ocean and red eye on Jupiter. In addition to being a frontiersman and land grabber, I would have been a old man in the woods. You know, the one who let people in and told them ghost stories of the area and warned them whatever they did, not to go into the canyon. People could come from all around and even take vacation from the mother world to see the red eye of Jupiter. I could set up chairs, tell stories and legends about the eye and even add a few wily myths about the ice ocean and what lurks beneath. People would take pictures, show their friends, and say "That's the crazy old man on Europa. He sure scared the snot of the youngsters by telling them not to go on the ice mountain."

Of course, more than anything else, I just want to go there. It's been a long time since one person of our species has imposed and ruined a fledgling evolution. Not only would I have been a good frontiersman, land grabber, and crazy old woodsman, I would have been a great conqueror. At first, I would embrace the creatures of Europa until I find out their weaknesses, and then I would exploit them for my own gain. Jungle would become synonymous with Columbus, De Leon, Khan, Caesar, and Cortez.

I could convert everything on Europa that could understand my language to the religion of my choice. It would depend on my mood which one I'd chose. Heck, I'd probably just make up my own religion with me as the key figure. Along with being a frontiersman, land grabber, crazy old woodsman, and conqueror, I would have been a pretty decent god. On Earth, all of the gods are pretty much established, and there's not much chance of breaking through the ranks. On a new world, I'd get a new chance to do all of the things I can't do here due to bad timing. That's why I'm moving to Europa.

Chris Jungle has already purchased a ticket for Europa. Its on Southwest which means he has to stop on Mars, Neptune, Saturn, and Io before landing at his destination, but he got a great deal.

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