The smokescreen we should've seen through
a column by Chris Jungle

The Liggett Company decided it was much better to be the first domino than one near the end of the line and cut a deal to get the company off the hook for selling cigarettes with evil intentions. The company had to, among other things, admit cigarette smoking is addictive and some of their advertising was geared toward enticing teenagers. Of course, if you asked people who smoked, you'd find out this wasn't new news. Most smokers believed their habit was addictive and that they'd die at a young age, but that never stopped them from lighting up.

The only thing that comes out with this deal is that the tobacco companies are what we always thought: a bunch of back stabbing, conniving, sell their soul for money, 'we will live forever' dinosaurs. And while we shake our heads and chastise their fiery motives, very little has been said in their defense. Don't worry, boys. Chris is coming to your aid, and I even printed up business cards with the motto 'Every Devil Needs An Advocate.' Catchy, ain't it?

Sure, these massive money-making machines ruined the lives of good souls and aided the twisted souls (see Jesse Helms), but deep down, all they were doing was being the best damn capitalists they could be. Think about it. If you had a product that was not exactly a benefit and in the long run a detriment but it still made you billions of dollars, what would you do? Any good capitalist would stash information, slyly incorporate cartoon characters into their advertising, put in chemicals to heighten that nicotine groove, and deny, deny, deny.

What's more, tobacco has been around longer than this country. Where do you think the colonists got money to buy guns to rebel against the British? It wasn't from chewing gum. Tobacco companies taught every other big business in this country how get big and stay big. I bet there's not a Fortune 500 company that didn't lie, cheat, or commit some human atrocity in the name of better profit margins.

Anyone who thought the tobacco companies had their best interest at heart deserved to be lied to. It doesn't take a person with a master's degree in human anatomy to figure out that putting smoke into ones' lungs is not the most healthy thing in the world. There have been people in iron lungs, people dying from emphysema, and people hacking up yellow bile after smoking a great deal. All the signs have been clear for years. If a person was waiting for the corporation to tell them smoking is bad, they might as well wait for Godot in the mean time. Never take candy from the devil and expect an apology when the sweetness kills you.

The next thing we'll want is for the Cali cartel to admit cocaine can rot out your nose, Anheiser-Busch to explain that chronic drinking will cause detox seizures in later life, and the Chinese Mafia to apologize for opium being so addictive. If a person really cares what they're putting into their body, they should really take that 'once a year' trip to the library and research their concerns. McDonald's isn't going to come out and tell you that eating Big Mac's every day will probably kill you quicker than a real meal.

The truth is we all knew cigarettes were bad for us. Maybe twenty or thirty years ago, we could have played ignorant, but not any more. The first thing I heard about chewing tobacco was that it would give me lip cancer, but a lot of my friends still put a wad between their cheek and gums. So the tobacco companies are going to admit they suckered the public. Big deal. If Joe Camel was the only reason you wanted to smoke, I think it shows a blatant weakness not only for advertising but cartoons as well.

But just in case there are people still the dark, coffee will stunt your growth, Saturday morning cartoons will ruin your creativity, religion will make all of the moral decisions for you, green chile will make you move slower, rock music will make you go to hell, interest in fashion will make you shallow, being a fan for the Kansas City Royals will make you depressed, being rich makes you snotty, spinning causes dizziness, you don't want to know want happens when you take LSD, reggae music causes pot smoking, talking in long rambling sentences frightens everyone who might be interested in you, and cigarette smoking can kill you.

Chris Jungle will renew his chronic obsession with watching baseball on April 1 and realizes that he will eventually die from too many hot dogs, beer, and soda, or lose consciousness from an errant foul ball.

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