You got a connection, man?
a column by Chris Jungle

Due the fact that my current job working at a homeless shelter is ending in a week, I had to go trudging through the tedious project of finding a new job. I looked in the classified ads, scanned for help wanted signs, and even watched for signs of people walking out of businesses looking as if they were just fired. Remembering that an old friend of my brother told me his workplace was hiring at one time, I called him up seeing if the offer still stood. Even though they were not advertising for positions, he said I could apply and probably get a job.

I'm inclined not to tell people where I'm applying due to the fact that I've not been hired yet. My only hint is "if you don't get help there, please get help somewhere." How's that for an advertisement? (I can hear the pale-faced suburbanite screaming 'Product Placement!' as I type).

I was told by my brother's friend to give the application to him when I was done, and not to give to the lady at the front desk. When I called him to the front desk to give him my completed (and only slightly sloppy) application, he said he'd make a copy of it and send it to the right guy. He also said it normally took two weeks for someone to look at applications, but that he'd get someone to call me soon. Two days later, I had an appointment for an interview, and two days after that, the interview was done. I was told I gave one hell of an interview (well, that's not exactly what the guy said, but when I paraphrase, I always like to use slang words).

What didn't dawn on me until the interview process was over was that I had a connection! An in! An angle! An edge on the rest of the unemployed masses! I had the one thing I failed to get in all my four years of college--a way to get a job with ease. By the way, there are two ways to go through college. Obtain a ton of knowledge and ignore the bureaucracy, or shmooze, shmooze, shmooze to get the connections for jobs. I chose the former. Actually, there are hundreds of ways to go through college, but there are only two that fit what I'm talking about right now (I'll explain the relevance of knowledge through debauchery at another time). So instead of making the connections for plum government jobs outside the college world, I was busy studying maps and making plans for my voyage to El Dorado. My boat sank quickly after college, and I returned to the job market with good stats but no connections.

"What's so big about having connections?" some industrious young pup might ask. Well, employers just happen to be the most distrustful and paranoid beasts in the world. They would rather keep an employee who steals and is unproductive half of the time than take a chance on an unknown bloke off the street (exceptions are made for the beautiful people). If the employer is pacified by the 'connection' into thinking everything is going to be okay, then the unknown bloke ceases to be perceived as a drug-taking, wife-stealing, going-to-ruin-the-integrity-of-this-fine-establishment kind of guy and is, instead, embraced with open arms.

Due to my 'in,' I had an interview four days after applying instead of possibly being considered in two weeks or more. Because somebody had an angle in the movie industry, they made a hideous re-make movie called Jungle 2 Jungle. Because a young lady did 'favors' for a publisher, she got her book published. Mariah Carey married her boss to make sure she kept her connection to keep making those quality albums. The CIA has been inbreeding employees since it was called the OSS. The chances of getting into Harvard increase greatly if you know someone who went to Harvard. Roadies get laid because they can get girls in to see the band backstage. The middle man in a drug deal ups the price for the junkie to get a good cut. Politicians can run for office because of the rich folks they know. Guys meet new girls through the girls they already know. And I write columns for LCN Syndicate because I've known the Worley boys for years.

Connections are everything. I'm not saying whether that's right or wrong. I'm just saying they're everything.

Chris Jungle knows a guy that knows a guy that knows a girl that knows a guy who talked to Kurt Cobain during his final days. He'll tell you what he knows for two dollars.

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