So what does it really mean?
a column by Chris Jungle

When I was much younger, I used to call kids who pushed me around 'tits.' I thought it was another word for a bully because I'd heard an older guy call someone a tit. When I found out what that word really meant, I felt a little silly. There are other words and phrases which have proved to have one or more meanings when I thought there was only one reason to say it. Imagine my surprise when I found out a 'faggot' meant a bundle of sticks. Now, a different phrase has caught my attention, and for the life of me, I can't figure out what it really means. It's called "the drug war certification process."

From what government officials have said, the certification process is a way to keep foreign countries fighting drugs on their own turf. If they get decertified, they will lose any financial aid the United States provides. A lot of people have said publicly that Mexico should not have been certified for helping fight narcotics, but President Clinton certified them anyway. This was done regardless of the fact that the head of the Mexican drug enforcement agency, Gen. Jesus Gutierrez-Rebollos, was arrested for taking bribes from traffickers. It's sort of like a college coach taking money from the alumni.

The word from the White House is that even with all of the problems, Mexico is still fighting the good fight. I knew a lot of C students in high school who were fighting the good fight, but they still didn't get scholarships to college. Of course, the whole problem could be that I'm misunderstanding the definition.

Maybe the certification process has less to do with the war on drugs and more with window dressing for the American people. It is well documented that Mexico has been the route for cocaine and marijuana for decades, but in every newspaper article, Mexico is referred to as 'trading partner' or 'rising democracy.' Not once did I see the phrase 'the land of the cheapest pot in the world.'

Another strange choice is who they actually decertify. Iran has always been a mainstay on the list, but I have a funny feeling we weren't going to send them money anyway. Also on the list is Colombia. Although Bolivia and Peru grow massive amounts of coca plants that are turned into cocaine, Colombia is singled out as the bad one. In fact, only five countries in the world were picked to be decertified which means that every other country in the world is fighting the good fight against drugs (according to our government). The Netherlands, in which several illicit drugs are legal, was not even mentioned. Then again, European countries have a strong tradition.

The truth is that the drug certification process is just a way the United States bullies other countries into putting up some feeble effort to conquer drugs. Recently, in light of its troubles, the Mexican government burned hundreds of pounds of cocaine to show the United States they were serious about drug prevention. That's what the drug certification process does. It makes other countries attempt to impress the United States with little drug burning sacrifices.

The certification process is just another way that the United States can pressure countries into doing thing their way. This 'if you don't do what we say, we're taking our money away' attitude reeks of the bully attitude our government regularly plays with other smaller and weaker countries. Maybe it wouldn't seem so bad if our country didn't have two highly addictive drugs for sale in our market: alcohol and nicotine. If I was still a seven year old kid, I would be calling the United States government 'a tit' right about now.

It's kind of fitting that the certification process comes in March when they pick the teams for the NCAA Basketball Tournament. There are some similarities among them. In both, we can talk about which teams didn't get in even though they had a fairly decent year. Also, we can see what bubble teams like Purdue and Mexico do if they get into the big dance. Will the dominant teams be able to hold up their strong tradition throughout? Who knows? The selection process may be done, but there's still a lot of ball to be played before this thing is through.

Chris Jungle has bet heavily on Australia predicting major busts in heroin throughout the coming year. Odds makers gave him 10-1.

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