So, you want to be rich and famous?
a column by Chris Jungle

At all workplaces, there's always one or two people who are recognized as being the poorest employees. For some reason (sometimes legitimate, sometimes not), these people just do not perform the everyday tasks that are expected by their employer. George Carlin once joked that somewhere in the world was the worst doctor, and this occurs in every profession. There is a 'worst employee' at McDonalds, IBM, the Pyramid casino, the local newspaper, and even the United States Senate.

It's this Worst Senator that is bugging me at the moment. Since coming back into session, the Senate has been busy with the presidential appointments to the cabinet and other positions, and although Madeleine Albright and others have been voted into their positions, more than one of the votes ended 99-0. At first glance, a person might say that the Senate finally is agreeing on something, even if it is only presidential appointments. After a little more thought, it becomes glaringly clear that one senator has not been voting.

That's right. It's the first Congressional week of work of the year, and somebody's already ditching. While senators do many things aside from voting on bills and appointments, it is still probably the most important thing they do. If this anonymous senator is already skipping work, think of how often he'll be around when the entire floor is voting on reducing the regulations for the meat packers union. There's a good chance that he'll already be at his favorite capital bar.

I'm going on the assumption that our hooky-prone senator is a white male. Although I can not guarantee this hunch, Las Vegas would give me pretty good odds on it being true, so the senator will be considered a 'he' throughout.

It is possible that the senator was trying to make a statement by not voting. Maybe he feels the presidential appointments are a farce and refuses to vote on principle. If that is the case, someone needs to tell the good senator that he is not China, and he is not part of the UN Security Council. By declining to vote, it does not nullify the entire process. Besides, a United States Senator should have enough gumption to either vote for or against an appointee. An abstaining senator is about as helpful to Congress as an invalid who is only concerned with getting the IV bag refilled.

Maybe the good senator was actually sick and could not attend the voting time. If this is the case, he should have sent one of his trusty aides with his vote. No one would have cared or noticed except for the eight people in the country who watch C-SPAN twenty four hours a day. The senator could have called one of his senator friends to check up saying "Hey, Bob. I've come down with the flu. Make sure my boy votes 'yes' on that Richardson guy for UN ambassador." Part of being a Senator is making it look like you're always doing your job.

In truth, one more vote in a 99-0 count doesn't sway the table one way or the other, but some things have to be done out of respect for the system. Senators make a low six figure salary, were voted in by thousands of people in their district, and are considered to be distinguished individuals by millions. For the sake of everyone in the country, they should at least show up for the first week of work and do one of the only publicly acknowledged tasks of the job.

If I skipped out on a staff meeting or took half a day off at my job, I would (at best) be taken aside by my superiors and reprimanded for my decisions. I'm sure the sentence "If you don't like this job, you can always find a new one," would come up at sometime during the conversation.

Voting is not a difficult thing to do, and for senators, it's even easier than regular people for the simple reason that they don't have to wait in lines. I think many people would vote one way or another if it was their job to do so. This Worst Senator needs to get his act together and do his job. If he really didn't like the nominees for the position, he should have voted 'no.' He could then tell stories for years to come about how he was the only one to vote against Madeleine Albright. Granted, it would not be that entertaining a story, but it would at least please the man to tell it.

There always will be a Worst Senator in Congress. There will always be an undermining, money grubbing, let's make a deal senator. There will always be senators who don't show up to vote even in their first week of work for the year. But they should try a little harder to keep themselves hidden in the flock.

Chris Jungle has successfully watched three days straight of C-SPAN but is now back on his medication.

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