A diplomatic bulge in the ol' onion bag by Jon Worley
"Welcome, Mr. Bill."
"Howdy, yourself, Senor Saddam."
"You honor me by pronouncing my name correctly."
"The least I could do. I mean, I'm from New Mexico, not Texas."
"I see. Shall we get down to business."
"Fine."
"Alright. There's only one thing I want in exchange for complying with the U.N. Security Council resolutions."
"We don't negotiate terms. You must comply."
"Well, there's must and there's must."
"I'm listening."
"We want our football team to get a berth in the World Cup. I have friends who can assure a draw whereby our boys would face yours on the pitch. It would be the mother of all matches."
"Saddam, with all due respect, the club team at the University of New Mexico could beat your boys."
"Surely you jest."
"The subs on our women's team would trounce your team by at least five goals. Michele Akers and Mia Hamm by themselves would beat your best squad. So lets not talk any more silliness."
"It's just not fair. Asia gets only three spots, while Europe gets fifteen. How can that be?"
"You have friends in the office; you obviously know where FIFA is headquartered."
"Switzerland, of course."
"There you go. Whine to the Swiss, not me."
"Alright, alright. But I sense you want more than compliance. What is it?"
"It is the policy of my government to encourage democratic rule in every nation on earth."
"Come again."
"We want you dead and and the rule of an elected government instituted in your place."
"Surely you jest."
"Not at all."
"A democratically-elected government in an oil-exporting nation? Are you insane?"
"Of course not."
"You remember what happened with Venezuela under so-called 'democratic' reforms, don't you?"
"Well...yes. But still, there is Mexico. Not to mention Russia."
"Now I know you are joking."
"Mexico has made great strides."
"As have we. Most of our Kurds have moved to Turkey to shoot at the Muslims over there for a while. But I get the idea you consider my government totalitarian."
"Do you have a better word?"
"Well, the only way I'll leave office is with a bullet in my brain. Your Senator Santorum was so nice as to say such a thing a week or so ago. He's such a mensch."
"Well, that is the crux of the situation."
"Put it out of your mind. You think I'm going to be the one who pulls the trigger?"
"Think of the accolades: Saddam the patriot, Saddam the savior."
"Saddam the biggest fool in the world. Why kill yourself when you're on top? Did Hitler shoot himself after conquering France? Of course not! He waited until the tanks were rumbling overhead."
"And that's your final offer?"
"I'm afriad so. Cognac?"
"Oh, just a little nip. Enough to take the chill off."
"Good man. Now, did you see that Man United match in Rotterdam? Boy, the Red Devils just killed 'em."
"Andy Cole is finally earning his price."
"Oh, absolutely. You know, maybe that's the way to improve the team. Pull an El Salvador and offer quick citizenship and cash money."
"Probably have to stop beating the players when they lose."
"If they win, I won't beat them."
"Sounds fair to me. Some more of the good stuff?"
"Certainly, my friend..."
Jon Worley knows nothing about Middle Eastern politics. Soccer is another matter completely.