"Let me get this straight: She's already claimed her husband walked the kids into the school at Little Rock, put LBJ on the ticket in 1960 and had the gall to beat Eisenhower at golf while he was president."
"Something like that. But listen. She says that Phil sent a book over to Kennedy, telling JFK it would take him an hour to read, but Jackie only fifty minutes."
"Just goes to show who the brains behind the operation really was."
"Like Nancy Reagan or Hillary Clinton?"
"Sure. Oh, did I read you this bit from Robert Reich's new book? He describes a particular class at Yale Law School. Clarence Thomas sat in the back and never said a word. Hillary, when called upon, always answered perfectly and added cogent criticism. And Reich and Bill threw up their hands at every opportunity, spouting whatever came to their heads at the time."
"But because Hillary has, shall we say, firmer beliefs, she's decried as a bitch, while Bill is the affable buffoon."
"Don't underestimate the buffoon. They're just below humans in evolutionary terms."
"I suppose the bitch is a more evolved form?"
"Which is precisely why dim-witted fat white guys whine so much about them. You know that the same word has been used, in print, to describe every single female U.S. Senator at one time or another. And all of the first ladies, at least since Pat Nixon."
"And that's why we'll never have a woman president."
"Well, see, she has to be tough, but not a bitch. Firm in her convictions, yet retaining that mystical 'feminine flexibility.' Oh, hey, I think the Brit tabloids were calling Thatcher a bitch back in the 60s."
"She is a bitch."
"Okay, no argument here. But the fact remains that Pakistan has had a female head of state, and we haven't."
"Benazir is one cool chick."
"Her husband, on the other hand, seems to have been something of a corrupt bastard."
"Well, they had to find some other nasty epithet, because 'bitch' just doesn't cross gender lines well enough."
"Being corrupt has nothing to do with being a bitch."
"You know what I think?
"No, what?"
"I think the real reason we haven't had a woman president is that the First Lady would be a man."
"Oh, I think that title could be switched around or something."
"No way. Remember our one bachelor president? James Buchanan or something like that?"
"The one who was supposedly gay?"
"Yeah. I don't know if it was Buchanan, but the guy had to come up with a first lady to host events. I think he ended up using his sister or something."
"So that's where the phrase 'kissing your sister' comes from."
"I'm sure. Anyway, if we got a woman president, she's still have to have a First Lady. I mean, 'First Gentleman' just doesn't work."
"I got an idea."
"Okay."
"Elect a lesbian president. Problem solved."
"I think you're on to something there. Has anyone contacted Doris Day?"
This column is a work of intoxication. Any names, places, events or general factoids have been put forth in a spirit of general geniality. No one should assume that Jon Worley has any idea what he is talking about.