Signed, sealed, stolen...
by Jon Worley

Last Friday I received a package from a band that goes by the name of Log. Unfortunately, the CD so thoughtfully enclosed had been removed by someone employed by the U.S. Postal Service. My first hint that something was wrong came when I noticed the crude re-taping job, complete with "officially sealed" stickers. This is the fourth time in four months a disc has been pilfered from a package of mine, and I'm starting to get angry.

From birth I have been advised that tampering with mail is a federal crime, punishable by massive fines and long terms of incarceration. In fact, to this day I am wary of pitching junk mail addressed to someone other than me (but arriving in my mailbox) into the trash. And yet, somewhere in the national mail chain, someone is illegally enjoying albums by bands like Treponem Pal, the Shipping News and Log.

I'm pretty sure this pilfering is taking place somewhere near here, as packages arriving sans music have heretofore dropped in about once a year. That rate has climbed to once a month since I moved to York, Pennsylvania, so I think I'm justified in suspecting foul play. After making a terribly apologetic call to the band (unscrupulous types will often lie about this sort of thing in order to scam extra copies for friends or resale, and I wanted the folks in the band to understand that I am not one of those lowlifes), I phoned my local post office.

The woman at my post office (zip code 17404, West York station) referred me to the main York distribution center, where I got to speak to a woman I'll call Suzanne. Suzanne was somewhat taken aback by my theory that someone in the local post office would be scoring my discs. First she said, "That doesn't happen in today's U.S. Postal Service." Then she tried to convince me that some passer-by had popped open the package while it sat in my mailbox. Alas, I don't have a mailbox but a mail slot (which feeds to the vestibule inside my locked front door). That avenue rebutted, she said that the "officially sealed" stickers found on the package absolved the local post office of any blame. I put forth the theory that the same person who ripped me off put the stickers on the package as a cover-up. Again, I got "That doesn't happen in today's U.S. Postal Service". Suzanne offered to send me some claims forms and said they would be forwarded to the regional office in Harrisburg.

I then asked if there was a national number for complaints. There is, and she gave it to me. I dialed up and within half an hour got a hold of someone in the Inspector General's office. First, I encountered the now familiar "That doesn't happen in today's U.S. Postal Service." I begged to differ, and he offered me the same forms Suzanne had already promised me. When I informed him that I had already arranged to receive said forms, he promptly hung up.

Theft of everything from letters to big ol' packages happens every day in today's U.S. Postal Service. When I was in college, an unknown benefactor "gave" me a subscription to Playboy (I use the verb "gave" loosely, as my anonymous friend actually only paid for one-third of the subscription, leaving me to foot the rest of the bill). Of the 12 issues, I received seven intact. One month I received the plastic mailer (with inserts but no magazine inside) and four just plain disappeared. Since I only paid for eight magazines, I figured that was close enough and didn't worry about it. I also subscribed to Billboard for a couple years, and I lost about two issues each year to the postal gremlins. My wife Barbara lost an issue of Southern Living one month. The point is, there are and have always been postal employees with sticky fingers. Not as many as there are homicidal maniacs, perhaps, but a good number.

And I simply don't think I'm asking too much to request that my claim be taken seriously. At best, it's a pain in the ass to ask labels to send another disc (ad for them to undertake the cost of doing so) and at worst, it's a serious loss of income for a struggling band to have to send two discs to me in order to get one review. That thief robbed those folks of 20 bucks or so in postage and potential lost revenue. That may not seem like much, but to a struggling band 20 bucks can be the difference between missing a gig and paying for the repairs on the van.

With all the profits the U.S. Postal Service has been bragging about, you'd figure it could clean up its act. Or at least make nice to me on the phone. All I'm asking for is a little humanity from a semi-autonomous governmental agency. I don't think that's too much.

Jon Worley might go postal if the long-awaited disc Oddities, B-Sides and Other Utter Crap from the band Billy's Gun doesn't arrive real damned soon, intact in its little pouch.

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