Hollywould
by Jon Worley

One of the most popular novel subjects is the entertainment industry, and, more specifically, the movies. And if the main subject isn't Hollywood, most books contain at least one allusion to Tinseltown. Elmore Leonard may write crime novels, but every one of his books ruminates on this or that b-movie star. He's also written a few movie books, perhaps the most famous being Get Shorty.

I love to read these things. Most of them suck, of course, but who care as long as you can figure out who inspired the fiction. Recently, Roger Director (one of the guys behind Moonlighting) dished Bruce Willis in most amusing fashion. Last night I read William Goldman's 1979 book Tinsel, which took on Steve McQueen, Ali McGraw, and scads of folks whose faces, but not name, I know well.

There's no good reason why I keep scarfing these things down. They're all one-night, or even two-in-a-night books, and they all have the same theme: All that stuff you see on TV or in the movies is utter fiction. That slinky actress you love keeps the weight off with a combination of cocaine and three packs of cigarettes a day. The hunky actor that inhabits your every fantasy is gay (though this is becoming passe). The producer who sleeps with every prospect. The studio director who manipulates everyone from his secretary to his family. We all know these characters by heart. They are American archetypes. And yet a lot of us keep reading this stuff.

I also read The Player last week. This is the book which inspired one of the best Hollywood movies of all time, directed by Robert Altman. While the book caused a sensation in the community when it was published, it was not good. The movie was great, but the book was, well, dull. All of the wit and good digs were written for the movie.

And perhaps this should teach me a lesson. After all, I'm writing a Hollywood novel (along with a coming-of-age novel, a road novel and a political thriller among other things), just like all of the hack writers out there. But, I swear, my book is different than all of the others. Alright, most of this has to do with the fact that my main character is a woman, but we all know that also makes my book non-realistic. Hey, I read the Premiere 100 just like anyone else.

The Greeks had a story for things like Hollywood books: the Trojan Horse. These books are exposing the industry for what it is, and yet we all still want to be movie stars, or at least friends of movie stars. Wouldn't it be cool to hang out on the veranda with Leonardo DiCaprio and Samantha Mathis and share a few beers.

But we know better than that! Back when Whoopi Goldberg was the hot commodity (both in movies and various leading men's love lives), someone wrote in to Walter Scott's Personality Parade asking what the deal was. After all, Whoopi isn't ugly, but she's not exactly a paragon of physical beauty. The response was that she was one of the few smart actresses around, and when they get to a certain age, some guys want to have conversations that focus on something other than the latest sale at Gucci.

And those of us who read have already come to that conclusion, even though we may not be almost over-the-hill studs ourselves. And so we know all about how shallow and vacuous the culture is, and yet most educated, professional folks I know have the occasional Hollywood fantasy. Are our lives that dull and boring by comparison?

Not really. Do I think it would be interesting to go out on press junkets, answering the same question over and over again? Not to mention shooting a movie, where you say the same line and kiss the same foul-tasting actor fifty times in a row. No, I don't think that would be terribly cool at all. In fact, my life of listening to the weirdest music on the planet and hanging out with my wife and friends is much more fulfilling. I'm not stupid or anything.

But still, that image of stars on the patio is engaging. Actually, today I think it would be Woody Harrelson and Kristin Scott-Thomas (and their respective significant others, of course). I guess I'm feeling a bit long in the tooth. Oh well. Glitz is next on the to read pile.

Jon Worley lives in not-quite Amish Country. Sixteen years ago he shared a stage with Christian Slater. True story.

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