The new spirit of volunteerism
by Jon Worley

A bill just passed the U.S. House which would require residents of public housing projects to perform eight hours of "volunteer" service per month (along with paying rent, utilities, etc.) in order to stay in their homes. The Prez, caught up in the moment of that bizarro (pro-volunteer, anti-public participation) conference in Philadelphia, has hinted he'll sign the thing if the Senate goes along.

The main theory behind this is that these folks are getting something for nothing from the government, and thus they should repay their benefactors (i.e., the not-poor people) for the "privilege" of living in public housing.

I think this is a capital idea. In fact, I think it's so good, it should be expanded to all areas where the government passes out money. Assuming a 40-hour work week (however you define work, as those with "legitimate" jobs are exempted), these folks are expected to kick back five percent of their time in exchange for the right to pay rent on a public housing apartment. Let's see how this "take five" idea works on the other government beneficiaries.

A lot of farmers get money, everything from price supports to outright grants. Any farmer (and certainly any massive agricorporation) who get subsidies should be required to "donate" five percent of their crops or finished products to food banks and other food distribution organizations.

Empowerment zones are a hip, new idea that allow rich Republicans to feel good about opening sweatshops in the ghetto ( I can hear the King now...). Any such beneficiary must "donate" five percent of its gross receipts to bonuses for the workers who toil in these tax-abatement areas.

While there isn't quite so much money flowing out to defense contractors these days, I see that G.E.'s CEO made something like 50 billion dollars last year. Business must not be too bad for a corporation that's been convicted of felony fraud in dealing with the government. So I figure these companies should be required to "volunteer" five percent of their overall gross receipts to a fund that would provide grants for people who want to go to college.

As everyone from Bill Clinton to H. Ross Perot points out, the engine of the American economy is small business. A lot of those businesses get off the ground with SBA loans. This is most certainly a government benefit, and any business that is still paying off an SBA loan should be required to "donate" an extra five percent of the remaining principal to the local public schools.

Our esteemed elected officials, from the President to the youngest member of congress take home a nice package of salary and benefits. Five percent off the top should be lopped off and passed out to panhandlers on the streets of D.C.

Get Social Security? W.I.C.? Food Stamps? You must voluntarily surrender five percent to local public health clinics.

Is your company getting cheap label from that welfare-to-work scam? Five percent of the difference in labor costs will go to local homeless shelters.

I'm sure there are other folks who get cash from the government. Don't worry. I'm sure all these cost-conscious ideologues in the House will find you, too. After all, the point of this legislation is to encourage volunteerism, not take another whack at all those "welfare queens" making millions off the dole.

I think Congress really has one here. By making people volunteer, we just might make a better society.

When the wind gets going one way, Jon Worley frequently volunteers his bladder for extra duty.

return to the Shut up, I'm talking page
return to the LIES home page
return to the A&A home page