Boozin'
by Jon Worley

When I first moved to Florida three years ago, the high liquor and beer taxes astonished me. Five dollars bought me a 12-pack of Molson's in Michigan, and that same fiver bought me only a six-pack in Florida. Yeah, yeah, I know Battle Creek is closer to the Great White North than St. Pete, but everything is more expensive in this land that likes to tax the tourists.

So I thought my soon-to-be new home state of Pennsylvania might help my wallet out a little when I went for a bottle of wine or a six-pack of my favorite British brew.

I moved my wife up last week (she got the job; I get to sell the house in Florida). The first thing I find out is that all liquor and wine is sold only in state-run liquor stores. Pennsylvania and Utah are the only states who still do things this way. The first store I entered had three types of wine coolers, fifths of Jack Daniels, Wild Turkey, Popov vodka and a Thunderbird stand. Not even any regular Californian wine. I asked the clerk about this.

"Honey, this is a pure-bred alcoholic store. Only the lowest of the low shop here. If you want selection, go to one of the suburban stores."

"The prices seem high for the 'lowest of the low'."

"Well, that's the state for you."

"So I guess I go to the grocery store for beer, hunh?"

"Oh, no, honey. You go to either a six-pack store or a beer distributor."

"What's the difference?"

"Self-explanatory. You can only buy six-packs at a six-pack store, while you can only buy cases and kegs at a distributor."

"What about 12-packs?"

"Anything over a six-pack, you get at the distributor."

"How about mixers? I don't see any here."

"You get mixers at the grocery store."

"And nowhere else?"

"And nowhere else."

"You're kidding."

"No, honey. That's the way things are."

I had read of a recent controversial proposal by the governor to privatize the state liquor stores.

"So if the state sells off all these liquor stores, nothing will really change."

"Nope. You'll still have to go to a liquor store for your liquor or wine, and beer stores for the beer."

"You know, most wine coolers are actually closer in composition to beer than liquor. Why are the state stores selling them?"

"I'll let you in on a little secret: Wine coolers are the only things that can be bought at all three types of alcohol stores. The state sells them because they make a lot of money on them."

"No kidding. Six bucks a four-pack seems a bit pricey."

"People pay it."

"This is crazy," I said, shaking my head. She just smiled and nodded.

"Makes sense to me. I once went to New Jersey, and they had all their liquor, beer, wine and mixers in one place. Confused the hell out of me."

"I bet the stuff was cheaper, though."

"Yeah, but here in Pennsylvania all the clerks are union, and we make good money. We have to get paid somehow."

"That's where the excess taxes go?"

"No, most of them go to funding those 'This is your brain on drugs' commercials."

"Oh." I thanked her for her time and left the store. I decided to visit a local six-pack store to see what I could buy.

One cooler: Budweiser, Sierra Nevada, Molson's and Miller. Any six-pack, $7.50. As this price isn't much higher than what I pay for Sierra Nevada down in Florida, I scored a six of the Pale Ale (their only SN variety). But I'm still trying to figure out who would pay $7.50 for a six-pack of Budweiser. I asked the clerk why all the prices were the same.

"That's the way the state prices 'em."

"The state tells you what to charge?"

"No, but they're the distributor."

"The state is the distributor?"

"Of all beer, wine, liquor and all that."

"So even with this privatization thing, the liquor will cost the same because the state is setting the wholesale prices."

"Yep."

All this investigating made my head hurt, and I had left the aspirin in Florida. Luckily, I'm going to be living in York, which is a scant 18 miles from the Maryland border. A border like all of Pennsylvania's, lined with plenty of full-line liquor stores that feature prices well below Pennsylvania standards.

Of course, buying alcohol in Maryland (or Ohio, or New York, or New Jersey or West Virginia for that matter) for consumption in Pennsylvania is a crime, punishable by an $80 fine.

So if I get nailed once a year, I'll still make out on the price difference and have better beer to boot.

A day before I flew back to Florida, I bought some groceries. A tourist was asking a clerk where to find the beer. He was trying to explain the whole process.

"Oh my God," the customer said. "It's like I've entered a time warp."

"No, ma'am," the clerk said politely. "Just Pennsylvania."

Jon Worley imbibes regularly in St. Petersburg, Fla. His address will change soon, but his habits won't.

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