Some of my best friends are Jews...
by Jon Worley

For reasons that escaped the grasp of most folks around here, the Florida Legislature, our elected leaders, spent a good deal of time last week arguing about homosexual marriage. Not because someone wanted to legalize it, mind you. No, that would make some sense. Instead, the good ol' boys want to pass a law that says Florida doesn't have to recognize a homosexual marriage that might be legal in another state.

But this is a hypothetical. No state recognizes homosexual marriage. I think that's pretty silly, myself, but the U.S. Congress and our esteemed president found this issue compelling enough to pass and enact the "Defense of Marriage" act last year, which is the statute the Florida gang is using to pass its law. They want to head off any possible Florida gay marriages at the pass.

The main arguments presented by the anti-gay legislators generally start off with, "Now, I'm not gay-bashing, but..."

We've heard this before.

Plenty of homophobic black leaders insist to excessthat gay rights and the civil rights movements aren't the same thing. And that's true. While it's pretty easy to spot most black people, them gays are damned sneaky. I mean, you never know if the guy slapping your butt during hoops is copping a feel at the same time. It's enough to make a straight guy positively paranoid.

I've always thought that the folks who cry wolf loudest have something nasty hiding in their closets. I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if Jesse Helms has a secret shelf of Jeff Stryker in his back room. Hell, it wouldn't be too strange to think that Trent Lott owns every Antonio Banderas movie. Or that Kay Bailey Hutchison has a secret thing for Ellen DeGeneres.

And yet, these are the sorts of folks who like to say things like "AIDS is God's judgment on gays" (which, as observed by Whoopi Goldberg, means that lesbians are the true chosen people) or that "The gay lifestyle is a perversion of nature" (in which case Jesse should check out the two boy dogs on my street who aren't much interested in any of the girl dogs in heat).

All of these rather inane statements are usually presaged by "I'm not gay bashing, but..." That would be like me saying "Some of my best friends are right-wing bigots, but I think they should all be lined up and shot." I guess you gotta be cruel to be kind.

All this crap wouldn't bother me if the folks came right out and admitted that they can't stand the idea of homosexuality. Homophobia isn't really a proper word, etymologically speaking, but phobia doesn't denote a hatred, but merely a fear. Fear generally leads to hatred, of course, but that's just human nature. Kill what you don't understand.

On top of all this absurd gay marriage stuff (my favorite argument is that legislators are doing gay folks a favor, because as you know, more than half of the marriages in this country end in divorce), there's a kid at Penn State that wants his own organization that officially stands against gay rights.

His logic is that if gay (and straight) students can have a "pro-gay" organization, he should have an equal right to an anti-gay club.

In the abstract, he's probably right. But why would anyone want to be in a group held together by fear and loathing. Oh wait, there's the KKK, numerous militias and the Birchers. Sorry, my bad.

You know, the main reason guys (and it's guys by a big margin) freak out about homosexuality is the thought of being anally penetrated. I apologize if you just lost your lunch, but there's no delicate way to put this. And if you did just get a bit queasy, you proved my point. Manly men like to be in control, to be the penetrators. The thought of willingly allowing another man's penis into his rectum is both chilling and, quite possibly, thrilling to these guys. I'm not saying all these nuts are just severely closeted sorts, but they don't like the idea of having a homosexual fantasy, no matter how normal that is. In order to cleanse their souls of this foul invasion, they go on the warpath.

And commit random acts of hypocrisy. Why shouldn't gay people marry? They can't have kids? Hell, my wife and I don't have any kids, and so do lots of "straight" married couples I know. After that, there's not much different between the two groups, including methods of sex. I simply cannot fathom what is so spectacularly "right" about the missionary position.

I'm not Christian Right bashing, but those God Squad legislators here in Florida are the biggest bunch of hypocrites I've ever seen. They should be drawn and quartered, the old-fashioned way.

Actually, some of Jon Worley's best friends ARE Jewish. Gay. Black. Christian....

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