Domingo deportivo
by Jon Worley

Seguridad.

That word came up a lot during the U.S.-Jamaica World Cup Qualifier tie Sunday. Norberto and Andreas couldn't help gushing about the astonishing play by U.S. keeper Casey Keller. Indeed, his masterful play was about the only reason the match finished up nil-nil.

And what was the only network that televised the game (albeit on a tape-delayed basis)? I know, I already gave it away: Univision, home of Andreas "Gooooooooooool!" Cantor. ABC or Disney mate ESPN? Couldn't be troubled to show an important match for the national team.

Well, the reason they gave for not showing the match is that they couldn't come to an agreement with the Jamaican Football Federation, or some such group. Of course, this didn't stop Univision. Yeah, the game looked like it was being shot by a first-year student at the Eastern New Mexico School of Butchering Television. It was impossible to tell Eric Wynalda from Cobi Jones, much less differentiate between a host of Jamaican players, of which I'd only heard of a couple. ABC probably would have been embarrassed to be presenting such horrible camerawork. But why not schlep it off to ESPN, a network just off its bizarro "Winter X Games" sweeps series?

Because, as I realized during a recent trip to central Florida, Disney has no patriotism. Well, only toward itself. After all, the area that comprises the Walt Disney World complex (this includes Epcot, MGM/Disney Studios, a raft of hotels and at least four water parks) is governed by a commission that is owned lock, stock and barrel by Disney. Indeed, the Magic Kingdom is a country unto itself.

Which leads me to this obvious conclusion: Univision is the most patriotic network around.

I can hear the jingoists already: "Patriotic? They don't even speak English!"

Sure they do, as if that had anything to do with patriotism, anyway. Andreas accidentally refers to a "corner kick" (instead of a "tiro de esquina") from time to time, and there really isn't a Spanish word for "offside", near as I can tell, so Anglaisphiles can understand at least some of the football action.

But come on. Univision shows more Major League Soccer matches (that's the U.S. outdoor pro soccer league, for the oblivious) than any other network. And yes, they show most major U.S. national team matches, even when ABC or ESPN deign it proper to show them as well.

And even if you don't know any Spanish, Andreas and Norberto are more informative soccer analysts than Roger Twibell any day. The Univision folks actually get excited about soccer matches. I mean, just because the U.S.-Jamaica match ended 0-0 doesn't mean it was a dull game (though, in fact, it wasn't terribly exciting).

I understand that Univision has its faults. If an ugly woman happens to appear onscreen, you know comic relief is imminent. Indeed, no woman wears more than a half pound of clothing at any time. But there are lots of shirtless guys wandering around as well (and don't forget international sex symbol Don Francisco!), so that seems fair enough.

Some people don't know this: almost all Univision programming originates in Miami. Yes, kids, the big U is truly American. That's Norteamericano, now. On the north side of the "friendship fence".

Plenty of folks are complaining that channels like Univision encourage immigrants to speak only Spanish. Uh-hunh. And channels like USA are encouraging people to speak only drool-level English. I don't hear any complaints being lodged against WGN, which seems to be propagating a certain "Hawk English", with bits like "Oh, miss the Big Hurt. Hain't been the same since. Come on Deak, one-time the hole." Translation? You tell me.

I think it's great that some folks in the US of A speak Spanish. I wish I could speak it better. It would sure help me on Sundays, anyway. And you know, most of the folks who watch Univision can speak English just fine. One evening before a Mutiny match over in Tampa, a group of guys were crowding around the rather attractive Univision reporter, trying to get her attention. A couple of them gave up and started heading to the entrance at about the same pace as me. We exchanged a few notes on players (in spotless English) and entered the gate.

Anyway, this whole soccer debacle has led me to believe that ABC should rename itself. It doesn't deserve to be called the "American" Broadcasting Company. I think DBC is much more appropriate. I mean, I just don't like it when the big boys play Mickey Mouse games with my soccer.

Jon Worley watches his soccer live at the Big Sombrero, or the Stadium Formerly Known as Tampa. He's contemplating a Valderrama 'do to celebrate the upcoming Tampa Bay Mutiny season.

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