Harlot's ghost
by Tyler Jane Barley

I've been trying to stay out of the whole Kelly Flinn thing. My pals have had this nasty habit lately of passing around prodigious quantities of Anchor Old Foghorn Barleywine and then questioning each other's feminist creds, using the Flinn case as a barometer of our devotion to the cause. Oh, what a fun bunch we are.

We don't pay much attention to such silly litmus tests, though. The opinions were mixed, and none of us were terribly upset one way or another by the general discharge. I mean, you have to be somewhat warped to enter the military in the first place, and if you go that far, you have to respect the rules. At the very least, admit when you've broken them.

Fine, so then we could get to more serious issues, like whether the appearance of someone like Meredith Brooks should be considered the third seal of the apocalypse. Again, opinions are split.

And then Rick Santorum, a senator from Pennsylvania (Need I mention the party? I think not.), comes out with his own personal opinion that Kelly Flinn is a "harlot", in the same breath praising Gen. Joseph Ralston (the joint chiefs' chair candidate whose affair also made the papers) as "top-notch". Santorum didn't stop there. He went on to say that there comes a time when you've got to call things what they are, and by definition, Flinn is a harlot. He used that word at least three times, so no one would make any mistake. When we think of Flinn, we are to picture a harlot.

The problem is, in every dictionary I checked (including the American Heritage, which Santorum is likely to have on his shelves, as this was the one "cleaned up" by the Texas textbook committee), "harlot" has a one-word definition. One that cannot be confused, misconstrued or mistaken. Senator Santorum undeniably called Flinn a prostitute.

Oops.

I'm sure he'll claim that he thought "harlot" meant "a woman of loose morals", or more likely, "a woman who thinks for herself instead of letting a man tell her what to do". Perhaps fellow Republican Bill Safire will help him out with a little "language maven" column. Usually, though, Bill likes to correct more esoteric miscues. Such an utter blunder as this is hard to explain or merely "tut-tut" away. Santorum is going to get his butt called on the carpet here.

I'm not in favor of frivolous lawsuits. But Flinn has a great slander case here. Santorum didn't simply use the word "harlot" in passing. He emphasized it, saying that Flinn's picture should be next to the word in the dictionary. And while Flinn may have slept with a married man or two, no one has accused her of taking any cash in return. Yeah, I know that in general politicians are protected from slander and libel suits, but that's only when they are carrying out their official duties as elected officials. Santorum was giving a speech carrying out his duty as a sanctimonious ass, not as a senator. He's not protected, and I don't any court would disagree.

Kelly, take the guy to the cleaners. Rick Santorum is a putrid aberration, even for strange folks in Pennsylvania. After all, Arlen Specter had a very rough re-election campaign after the Clarence Thomas hearings, and Specter's record on pro-woman issues is among the best of any senator, regardless of party. Santorum, on the other hand, is a pro-life poster boy who takes every opportunity to denigrate women, whether they're merely working outside the home or trying to raise their children on a paltry welfare check. He's against family leave ("it hurts business"), national health care ("it hurts business") and affirmative action ("it hurts business"). Needless to say, all of the businesses he's talking about are run by men.

It's sad that it took so long for Santorum to show his true colors. I can guarantee that his Republican and Democratic opponents when he goes up for re-election will use just one word to defeat him: harlot. Any person who feels comfortable making such public judgments (particularly with such vehemence) shouldn't be on the town council of Iconium, Mo., much less in the U.S. Senate. I only wish that I could vote him out of office myself. Unfortunately, I don't think I'll be able to stomach a trip to Pennsylvania any time soon. And there's no way I'd live in a state that could elect this arrogant fool to such a high office.

While this week's rerun of King of the Hill reflected many of the sentiments of this column, that program in no way influenced the words you have just read. Tyler Jane Barley can think for herself just fine, thank you.

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