Get out of jail free card
By Matt Worley

Let's get wacky and fantasy-like for a while. What if one right you had as a citizen of this country was one Get Out Of Jail Free Card--y'know, like Monopoly. So once in your life you can plead guilty to a charge and get away with it scott-free. I know, this would, at first surface glance, be the gateway to a lawless society, but there are layers to every piece of fruit (to use a lame and possibly criminal metaphor). Here are the ground rules (being my game, I get to make the rules, so nyahh!):

1. The card is good for one criminal charge only. Once in your entire life you can get away with breaking the law.

2. The choice is yours as to when the card can be played.

3. No exchanges, sales or stockpiling of cards.

4. You must plead guilty to the crime. Mounting a defense negates use of the card.

5. The record of the criminal activity would remain on your record. It would merely appear as if the jail time and/or fine were commuted.

6. Civil charges act as a separate charge‹in other words, you might have to pay for the act monetarily if you use the card.

Ahh, so you see the angle here. This card does not make you clean in the public's perception. You are still a convicted felon (assuming the card is used to negate a felony). So maybe you won't be as quick to pull that card as you thought. The whole idea here is to get out of doing jail time for what might be considered a heinous crime. So, if you are a normally law abiding citizen and somehow get caught with your hand in the cookie jar, this would be a way to get out of it‹assuming you don't plan on doing something like it again. Many people would go through their entire lives without using the card. The trick is to play the card at the right time.

My first thought (probably because of certain past and present circumstances) was that it would be really nice to kill someone who has done you great wrong and get away with it. I know, this is a little extreme‹but you haven't lived my life in the last few months. The problem with this thought is that everyone has a card. What if the person's surviving family still have their cards? Wouldn't you be a likely target for their own revenge? Possibly. And while your family can always retaliate, the situation would quickly degenerate into an old western style feud. And you would now be dead‹as would the person you were mad at in the first place. The question is, how far should you go?

So you dump the idea of killing one of your most hated enemies. That just results in too much needless killing of family members. No, you've got to find a better, less revenge-style crime, to use the card for. Now the card would most certainly be used by business-types to get out of their money skimming or junk bond scandals. Of course, they have to plead guilty‹something no one is really quick to do. And maybe those few years in the country club minimum security prison is actually fun for them. But for us average citizens who never have access to large amounts of other people's money, this is not a viable solution.

Maybe you are fond of the drink and sometime find yourself behind the wheel. Suddenly there is a DWI checkpoint right in front of your car (I've always wondered how drunk you have to be to drive into a DWI checkpoint when you've been drinking...possibly a chance for research there.) and you're busted. Is this serious enough to pull the card? Possibly, if you don't intend for it to happen again. The next time, not only will you have to go to jail, but it will be your second offense.

And then there are the casual users of illegal substances (like the previous DWI question, I have known people in this situation). Is a one-time bust cause for card flashing, or should you hold out for another, possibly more dire, arrest?

There is, of course, those troubled teenage years when you find yourself painting graffiti, taking a few candy bars from the grocery store, or drinking a few beers by the abandoned motorbike raceway. These are somewhat regular occurrences in many young peoples lives. Should they use the card before they've had the chance to commit something major at a later date?

Obviously the card would only spare those who make one mistake a time in jail. It would still bring stress and aggravation to your life‹probably enough to scare you out of doing it again. Habitual offenders would still get numerous swings at the bat before being locked down for life. Multiple murderers, rapists, the Unabomber and Timothy McViegh would still have to go to trial. And O.J. would still get away with murder.

So you're thinking, "Matt, why the hell would you bring this up in the first place?" Well, it's like this. If people had the card, they would think about and weigh the crimes they might or might not commit, trying to gauge whether or not they should be committed. And if this took place, then maybe a person would decide more often than not to abstain. And possibly people'd realize crime affects other human beings‹rather than a faceless "they." And that holding onto the card is better than playing it foolishly.

Matt Worley is on the verge of deciding that what is known as society is really just another complicated line dance designed to promote conformity.

return to the Shut up, I'm talking page
return to the LIES home page
return to the A&A home page