There's a message in here somewhere
by Matt Worley

In lieu of a regular comprehensive column this week, I offer a list of synapse-snapping observations:

When you advertise your big summer movie during the Super Bowl, remember to use the special effect explosion scenes, rather than anything from the long, drawn-out second act.

When designing a toy, get drug addicts to supply the laugh clip into the sound module.

Eddie Murphy is still funny.

Freaks of nature become sports stars, Stupid Human Tricks or Dennis Rodman.

A large mixture of slow-cooked pork ribs and beer will make you fall asleep during 60 Minutes.

Extra money earned by people who make over $30,000 a year is spent on gambling and going to first run movies at night. Unless they make $100,000 or more, and then they do nothing with it, hoping to take it with them into the next life.

Logic is not a good source when choosing numbers for the lottery.

Transplanted Canadians seem to have an easy time breaking into the entertainment business.

On a similar note: Irony is defined as "The use of words to express something other than and especially the opposite of the literal meaning." Not "Rain on your wedding day," but possibly "finding the girl of your dreams and realizing she's only five."

Actually being on heroin might be the ultimate definition of manic depressive, but it sure is fun to watch those kids run across the movie screen looking for smack.

Moving two-thirds of the way across the country and then moving back three months later probably isn't the best thing to do to convince people you are a stable individual.

Neither is telling people you are dead.

Movies aren't as fun when you realize that you could have done a better job with the same idea and $100 million dollars.

Much of the best music that came out this year was not made for people who are not chemically altered in some way.

The surviving members of the Smashing Pumpkins are the kind of people who think they have a sense of humor, but really don't.

The members of Metallica have a sense of humor, but it resembles the one portrayed on the "Jeff Foxworthy Show."

It took MTV almost a whole year before realizing that showing 20 hours of variety shows and only four of music videos does not justify the network's given name.

The long hours of the holiday season, coupled with large drinks of the alcoholic kind makes many people where I work a little bit off kilter. I just stopped shaving as much.

Animated TV shows are good. Semi-animated former teen idols in sit-coms aren't.

David Lee Roth was the soul of Van Halen. Nobody really understands the importance of the soul these days.

Many exotic dancers enjoy Goth music. It has not been determined whether they like the nihilistic lyrics or just enjoy dressing in black.

People on speed should not try to dance to blues music.

Jami Gertz got breast implants. Helen Hunt didn't. Lots of computer simulated wind doesn't really scare you much when you grew up in Kansas and Eastern New Mexico.

The worst thing about Mission: Impossible was killing off Kristin Scott Thomas so quickly.

Having John Travolta as the uber-male angel was a good idea. Having Andie McDowell sing dopey country songs wasn't. Neither was bringing the damn dog back from the dead.

Beavis & Butthead is still funny.

Making lists is much easier than writing a bunch of interconnected sentences. And it's easier to quote from, too.

Matt Worley is currently working on a movie where a bunch of people kill each other for no good reason, causing the police to make up elaborate (and untruthful) stories to explain the whole thing.

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