Cashing in on the Paranoia
By Chris Jungle

While I never developed a knack for picking up women in droves (something to do with not being able to lie to them), I had always thought highly of those who could have casual sex for much of their young lives. They had the mentality that every night out offered the opportunity of sexual gratification. Even the stereotypical 70's swinger guys had a hint of style with their cheese. I confess that a little bit of that mind set rests in my brain as well. A friend once asked what I'd do when I got "the big, big money," and after a dramatic pause for effect, I said I'd buy all the drinks. The swinger mystic has grabbed a part of my soul.

My belief was that the swinger clan was a proud, albeit dying, breed. Now, I think the pride myth is gone. I assumed that part of the lifestyle meant a regular stop off at the clinic to make sure all of the pipes were clean, and since it was done with such regularity, no shame came from each visit.

Although I have been much less than promiscuous, the clinic has been on the list of things to do on a couple occasions. Sadly, I am realizing the dark, embarrassing truth about swingers: they're really scared, pathetic, and paranoid-just like much of America.

I saw an advertisement on TV about a home test to check for the AIDS virus.

Apparently, the home test involves pricking your own finger, taking a small blood sample, sending it in, and waiting for the results. No guilt, no identity, no embarrassment. All for the low price of $49.95. I guess fifty bucks is the running cost for anonymity because AIDS tests and most STD tests are free at the local health clinic. What is baffling to me is that both the people that sleep around or even just have sex with one partner are afraid to go make sure they are all right. This advertisement told me that people don't go to the health clinic because they are afraid someone might notice them there. I'm assuming it's the 'guilt by being in a certain area' syndrome.

I'm not sure which is worse: the paranoia people have about being seen getting tested for STDs or that a company is cashing in on this paranoia.

The thing that gets me is that someone noticed that people weren't getting tested for AIDS because they were afraid of rumors that could spread if someone saw them, but instead of trying to just alleviate the problem, the person decided to make a buck as well. Now, I know some of the fifty bucks goes toward the self pricking apparatus, postage, and paying people to do the test. That still shouldn't come anywhere near fifty bucks worth. I don't see how it could be more than twenty-five, but I'll say thirty-five just for crude estimation's sake. That's fifteen dollars that a company is making just because a person is paranoid.

People don't realize their taxes already pay for tests at the clinic.

That's why they're "free." I've heard a lot of people complain about paying too much in taxes, but they don't even take advantage of the services that the taxes go toward. Instead, they evidently will pay fifty more dollars of their money (after taxes) to make sure no one knows they are being safe.

Why isn't the health department making ads that glorify those who get tested? Why aren't any big names stressing how cool it is to pop on over to the clinic and make sure. I can see little posters with extremely attractive men and women on them with the slogan "We love people who check themselves out." Well, maybe not that slogan, but I'm sure they could hire writers to come up with something catchy.

I just wish people would stop cashing on the paranoia. There are enough car alarms, double bolted locks, home nuclear shelters, beepers, cellular phones, 4 X 4 vehicles, V chips, mace, and handguns owned by people who don't really need them. If no one is going to tell these people that they can't buy peace of mind, then I'm going to start investing in all these companies. I don't want to be the only one not making a buck off America's fear of everything.

Chris Jungle likes to call Andy Rooney 'Dad' when his real dad isn't around.

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