Actor Laureate
By Chris Jungle

With the Olympics going on, I've been watching a lot of television, and as a result, Bill Clinton has been on my little box as well. He's had some emotional moments in the past few weeks. Saddened by the loss of TWA Flight 800, angered at the possible terrorist acts of that flight and at the Olympics, joyful at the swimming and gymnastics meets of the Olympics, Clinton has shown a range of emotions, and to me, they looked genuine. Whether these emotions are authentic makes no difference to me because the performance was done so well. I am worried about his sanity, though.

Lyndon Johnson showed the same kind of strong facade to the public during the Vietnam War, but inside, the man was cracking up. After his term was up, he dropped acid and became a hippie. I don't know if I would classify that as going insane, but he was definitely not the man he was before being president. While it might be satisfying to see Clinton toking up a big splif and rejoicing upon inhalation, it would be unfortunate to say the emotional roller coaster of the presidency drove him to it. As for other shell shocked brethren, Bush now shops at Sam's, Reagan is oh so sleepy, Carter's roasting peanuts, and Ford, well Ford's actually looking dignified. My conclusion is that these men suffered greatly from the stress of the spotlight.

What we need for president is a person who thrives in the spotlight, can show a range of emotions over brief periods of time, and not reflect too much on what they just said. In a word: actors. They would, of course, be figureheads to the masterminds that write the speeches and plot the strategy for the nation, but they would look great on TV. It would make the world of politics interesting for the younger crowd again and would spice up both major parties along with smaller political groups.

The Republicans wouldn't have to worry about making Dole look friendly if they would just get pro-Republican actors to be their presidential figure. Charlton Heston and Bruce Willis are waiting for the call. Democrats might go with a less action oriented ticket and stick more to a family ticket. Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon could carry them through to the White House. Ted Danson could step up strong for the Green Party, and the only person that could carry the Reform Party message would be James Woods. Not because he believes in their issues, but James just loves a challenging role.

Along with relieving the pressure from our wise leaders, the position will give actors a new pinnacle to strive for besides the Oscars. Those things are rigged anyway. It lets the people decide who the best actors are for the United States. In America, appearance is everything, and it's about time politics incorporated the best performing artists in the world. Reagan was an actor, and some people would even go so far as to call him a fine actor. By the time he got to the White House, however, he was way past his prime. The first two years were classic Reagan shooting up Congress and getting the girl, but the last six, we saw Reagan looking to the girl for support and lacking motivation overall. Actors will obviously have to show they are prepared to handle the gig for four years. Quitting the job would be disastrous for their careers.

Another perk to electing an actor laureate is that it is much more likely to have a woman president. Just like the box office, women are getting much more support by the public. In the beginning, they will probably get vice presidential nominations, but give them twelve years, and their names will be at the top of the ballot. Jodie Foster should be ready by then to take on the world. Along the same lines, minorities would also get opportunities to campaign for the job. Laurence Fishburn, Denzel Washington, and Angela Bassett all show the strength and skill for the job.

What will happen to the would be Clintons, Doles, Buchanans, and Perots? They will be able to concentrate on what's best for this nation behind the scenes without all those bothersome public approval ratings. Free from direct public scrutiny, these political masters can put away the make up, go longer between haircuts, and do the thankless job of making this country a better place for everyone living in it. Leave the charm and public emotion to the actors because not only can they put butts in the seats, they can put them in a voting booth just as easily.

Chris Jungle is currently doing independent research on how the greater portion of the masses have given up the quest for a complete soul. Early results have shown egos, shopping, and really expensive cars to be causes.

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