Some evil rises to the top
by Chris Jungle

It's probably happened to anyone who's had more than four jobs in their life. There exists in this world some bosses who just seem to be evil and uncaring, and, for some former employees, those supervisors get the label 'The Worst Boss I Ever Had.' The main question here is why evil people can rise up through the system and somehow become in charge of others. As with almost everything in life, there isn't just one answer but several.

The first type of evil people who get to the top are of the two-faced variety, which means they're very nice to people of authority while looking down upon the grunt workers of a company or business. These are the really manipulative ones everyone must watch out for in the working world. They ultimately care little about the business, or anyone other than themselves. Warning signs that a person is two-faced are 1) being overly nice for no reason, 2) constant complaining about other employees on their level, and 3) three "6's" tattooed onto their head (usually covered by hair, so look close).

The second type of evil people appear in a robot-like form. These people don't kiss up to anyone, but instead worship the rules and regulations of the company. As a result, they forget that rules are guidelines in which exceptions are always possibilities. They move up through the system because they are extremely efficient, but this happens by displaying no human qualities or characteristics in the workplace. This variety of evil is fairly harmless unless a person desires time off for some reason. In those instances, the evil person will look confused and not understand why such a request would ever be made. Their lack of feeling can, however, sometimes create a few comical circumstances, usually when they have to come in contact with other humans. With a little rewiring, these evil creatures can be pulled from the dark side. Beer always helps.

The robot form will always be better than the third type of evil: the capitalist boss. The capitalist boss, otherwise known as the "anything for a buck" guy, is hungry for money, power, and respect. As a result, they sacrifice most or all of their morals in order to come out ahead. Working for this type of boss may cause similar behavior in their employees. Basically, this is because the capitalist has the idea that everyone needs to be like them if they want to succeed. Unlike the other evil types, the capitalist boss has lots of drones which imitate the higher ups, so they basically breed their own replacements. The most likely places to find this phenomenon are at car dealerships, fast food chains, and religious sects. Many of their employees come from sweatshops in America, as well as abroad.

The last type of boss (for the purposes of this column) is the "guilty by association" supervisor. While these bosses have decent hearts and fairly good intentions, they hang around other people who do not have good moral character. As a result, some of the actions of the boss may be seen as questionable and many times down right stupid. They have to be considered evil because the reason they hang out with all of the morally questionable people is because they did the supervisor favors somewhere along the way. This is a rare type of evil boss, and the title of this person is usually President of the United States (or some facsimile thereof). No matter how much you may like this boss personally, his entourage will ensure the boss will make some strange and ethically perverse decisions. These bosses rely a lot on the old saying: When in Hell, do as the Hellions.

So if your company is downsizing, or you're not getting the time off you want, or the boss just won't talk to you at all, it's not your fault. Odds are that you've got one of the many types of evil people as your boss. If this is the case, the best thing to do is laugh, and laugh knowing that your evil boss's soul is no bigger than a peanut, and it doesn't even taste as good. Don't, however, laugh in front of them. One last little tidbit about evil bosses is that they don't like humor at their own expense. Just trust me on this one.

Chris Jungle sells bags of "Soul Peanuts" for $19.95 a piece. He has hired illegal immigrants in order to have a bigger profit margin and doesn't care who knows.

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